I’ve got a midget that works for me under the table. Not because I don’t have an “authorized midget employer” permit, but because he’s too short to see over his workstation — so he works under it. His job is to alert me whenever a male celebrity gets arrested for (or goes on trial for) hitting a woman — then I write a story about it.

My midget has a very simple job, and he fucked it up. Did you know Charlie Sheen got arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife on Christmas? I didn’t. Normally, I would have released the dogs on my midget for letting that whopper slip by me, but he informed me that Sheen appeared in court today to be charged. I suppose my midget can live.

COLORADO — Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller were seen leaving an Aspen courthouse Monday, holding hands and smiling. One might think they just won a big lawsuit, but nope — Sheen was charged with three felonies for assaulting her.

On Christmas, Mueller told police that she threatened to divorce Sheen and take their twin sons with her. He replied by brandishing a knife and saying he could have her killed. Notice the clever use of words — he did not say “I will kill you,” but merely imposed that the possibility of her having an “untimely death” was in his hands — which is still a threat.

Sheen’s charges include felony menacing, assault, and criminal mischief. Apparently, only gangsters in movies can get away with threatening a hit on someone.

Sheen denies holding a knife to his wife’s neck, but admits to smashing her eyeglasses and “slapping her arm.” Smashing her glasses was a proper battle tactic, but arm-slapping? Replace that with a tit-slap and you’re onto something, Charles.

This isn’t the first time Sheen has terrorized a woman. In 1990, he accidentally shot actress Kelly Preston in the arm with a gun — she married John Travolta a year later (fail). Sheen was also charged with threatening his ex-wife Denise Richards with violence in ‘97.

But despite her husband’s death threats, Brooke Mueller wants the charges dismissed. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” her attorney told reporters. I’m sure it was a real Jim Beam and Kodak moment.

If convicted, Sheen faces prison time and whatever else a person usually gets for felony menacing and assault — I forgot how long they locked me up for it.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.