With the recent occurrence of natural disasters (Haiti, Rosie O’Donnell, etc.), people are in need of hugs. Somebody did a survey about hugs once, and it showed that most people enjoy hugs from beautiful large-breasted women — those who do not enjoy it were assumed to be hugtarded and unable to understand what a proper hug is.

This is a reverse male-to-male hug as seen in Brokeback Mountain. This is not a proper hug.

A legitimate hug must be performed in close proximity with another person, and it should feel natural. If your gut is telling you not to hug someone, you probably shouldn’t because they might notice your awkwardness and fear of touching them. True Fact: Fear can cause men to get unwanted erections which can turn awkward hugs into felonies.

There are two main scenarios involving hugging someone while sporting a boner: Accidental and intentional. Each situation must be handled with delicacy to be successful.

ACCIDENTAL BONER HUG

Sometimes a person will catch you off guard with a hug while you’re daydreaming about Hillary Duff and Megan Fox taking a shower together, and then BAM — you’ve got wood and didn’t know until it was too late. What do you do when your stiffy stabs someone?

1) First, try to play it off as if your penis was perfectly soft to begin with. Maintain eye contact with the person and watch their body language closely; everyone reacts differently the first time they hug a dude with a raging hard-on. This passive response will diffuse 99% of accidental boner hug incidents.

2) If the person takes offense to your organ, they are now considered a victim. Get out of the room quickly and keep your head down.

You may decide (for whatever reason) to intentionally hug a person while a boner lurks in your pants. Should you keep it a secret and then share the story later with friends, or jam it into your partner with brute force? I will discuss both methods.

INTENTIONAL BONER HUG

1) “Jenny! I haven’t seen you in forever. You look great! Gimme a hug you silly bitch.” *DOINK!* “Haha, you feel that? I totally hugged you with a boner, and I’m pretty sure you liked it. Let’s get out of here and go back to my place and bone.” — this was a true story.

You must be at least somewhat attractive to pull this off, or have a seriously impressive rod. But don’t abuse the power — no one likes a bragger.

2) If utilized correctly, the method above can also be used in a romantic setting — nothing says “I care” like your fully engorged shaft pressing against her. She’ll be jackin’ your beanstalk in no time.

Not everyone is an exhibitionist though. Most people prefer to keep their meat a secret.

SECRET USES FOR YOUR JUNK

Crop-dusting is the art of rubbing your erection on as many people as you can in a crowded area without being discovered. It is important to keep moving as you weave in and out of a concert audience, crotch-first. Pat a person on the opposite shoulder as you pass behind them, touching your crotch to their backside in the process.

A legendary crop-dusting move involves brushing the bursting crotch of your pants across the back of someone’s head while shuffling down the aisle of a theater.

This man was arrested during the show when his zipper pulled a woman’s wig off.

Society tends to look down on people who derive please from scandalous acts — sexual deviants is another word for them. But without these people jerking off outside our windows, I wouldn’t have any DNA to plant at the scenes of my own crimes.

Your erection can get bring you great success or great failure. It can land you in stare-offs or make-outs, film or prison. But usually, it leads you back to the free clinic for an STD test.

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