Sorry for the lack of updates lately, guys. I decided to take miniature vacation instead of worrying about when the next drunk mom from Florida would drop her baby in the street, or when the next guy would stab his ex-girlfriend’s fish for revenge, or when the next rapist would accidentally target an underage transvestite. It’s all I was thinking about!

So what does a man do when his mind is filled with images of mistreated children and mentally-ill drug addicts on violent PCP binges? He finds a secluded beach and tans for a few hours. So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing — and it feels fucking great.

Yes, this is really me on a private beach wearing my famous (in Europe) speedo. I rule.

I have to wear a speedo because it constricts my massive erection and prevents it from forming a tent-like structure (as it would in trunks), which would cast a shadow and disrupt my frontal tan pattern. I’ll be heading home once the horny group of nubile women around me diminishes a bit (you can’t see them from that angle in the picture above).

In the meanwhile, post a comment below and I might check it after I get back from shark hunting tomorrow. But not typical shark hunting — I’m talkin’ about riding on a shark’s back while it kills another shark underwater. Me and Manny “Sharkman” Puig invented it.

He’s not really that tall — I was kneeling next to him. His head really is that big though.

While shark hunting is extremely dangerous, the biggest threat to a man in the ocean is having his cock bitten off by a sea turtle. They may appear like peaceful creatures, but behind their placid eyes roam vicious cock-biting thoughts.

The reason you’ve never heard this is because most men who get their dicks chewed off by a sea turtle end up getting savagely torn apart by sharks immediately after. I know a guy who once saved a drowning sea turtle by removing it from a fishing net. After he was free, the turtle turned right around, looked him in the eye and said, “Fuck you!”

But enough about turtles and sharks. I’ll be resuming regular updates soon.