In 1998, recording artist George Michael was forced “out of the closet” after he was arrested for soliciting an undercover male cop for sex in a bathroom in Beverly Hills, California. Women everywhere were crushed by the news that George “Every Woman In The World Wants To Fuck Me” Michael was GAY.

That was the ’90s though — people were just coming around to the whole gay thing. Only a decade before, people were wearing t-shirts with 74 different neon colors and nobody would dare to say that He-Man looked gay, even though his costume appears at every gay pride event.

When Lance Bass and Clay Aiken admitted their gayness, a few people were still surprised — mainly blind people who have never had someone describe what Lance Bass and Clay Aiken look like to them, more specifically, the waxed eyebrows and highlights.

Everything about Adam Lambert screams “I’m gay as fuck,” but he’s never tried to hide it. He told Rolling Stone, “I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay.”

Next to be added to the list of male performers to publicly admit their penchant for penis is Ricky Martin. Despite denying his homosexuality for years, Martin celebrated the truth on his website today. He wrote, “I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man.”

Martin exercising on the beach with a male companion coincidentally makes a great photo.

Perez Hilton nearly crashed the internet today with several tweets about how proud he is of Ricky Martin, although Ricky Martin probably doesn’t give a fuck about Perez Hilton.

We all know Martin’s song “Livin’ La Vida Loca” – it was a #1 hit in the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and New Zealand in 1999. Every verse in this song can relate to homosexuality just by changing one or two words per line. Check it out:

Play the music video and follow the altered lyrics below:


He’s into “pooper stations” — black cocks and voodoo dongs.
I feel a premonition that dude’s gonna make me bawl.
He’s into new sensations — new dicks in the candle light.
He’s got a new addiction for every day and night.

Upside, inside out, he’s livin’ la vida homo
He’ll push and pull it out, livin’ la vida homo
Your anus is devil red, and his dick’s the color of mocha
He will wear you out livin’ la vida homo, come on!
Livin’ la vida homo, come on!
He’s livin’ la vida homo.

You get the idea though. The same thing can be done to every Jonas Brothers song too; Somehow you can just change a couple words here and there, and turn every song into an anal sex ballad. I only advise doing this if you have nothing better to do though.

Congratulations, Ricky — the world finally knows that you’re gay. If that’s what you needed to make yourself feel better, go grab another dick and relax because we already knew.

I’ve received a few suicide notes from Sidecarsally readers who just couldn’t endure the lack of updates lately. I suppose I owe the victims’ families an explanation.

With all the building construction happening nearby, there are countless discarded two-by-fours (wood) laying around. Some of lumber is twisted and has nails sticking out of it. Sometimes it looks like a carpenter fucked up half-way through building a deck. But among the scraps are some salvageable beams, and I just can’t let them go to waste.

The reason I haven’t been updating as much is because I have been building things — out of wood. Today I built a workbench. It’s made from 80% salvaged wood, 18% newly purchased plywood, and 2% screws to hold it all together (I include everything when I break shit down into percentages). Here’s the finished product:

Don’t look to closely at this picture, or you may go blind from the pure awesomeness of it.

Pretty fucking impressive, huh? I built the entire thing pretty much by hand (I used my foot once) — without the use of any tools whatsoever, unless you consider a Hitachi circular saw a tool, which I don’t because no other tools give me a raging boner when I use them.

Everyone knows at least one crazy ghetto chick who threatens to “cut you” when she’s angry. 18-year-old Carina Bernard is one of those girls, except she really will cut you. In the face. And then stab your cousin.

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — Shantayah Lewis, 16, and her cousin Shakeena Grant, 15, were attacked in broad daylight on Friday by a knife-wielding Carina Bernard.

The whole thing started over a boy, of course. Pretend you’re in high school for a minute: Carina is furious because she’s dating Darnell, but he used to date Shantayah’s cousin Shakeena’s sister — oh, that’s a stabbin’.

Carina Bernard approached Shantayah first and slashed a giant V into her face like Zorro, or in this case, Vorro.

Shakeena was also stabbed once, although her wound hardly seems worth mentioning when compared to the carnage inflicted on her cousin’s face. Plus, Shakeena was supposedly the one talkin’ the most smack up until the stabbing occurred. Way to go, cuz!

Both girls managed to escape certain death and fled to a nearby family member’s house. Police announced yesterday that Carina Bernard was arrested and charged for the stabbing. She was also nominated for “Best Psycho” in the mock awards at school.

STAYING POSITIVE

I hope that Shantayah realizes that this isn’t the end of the world for her. She just needs people in her life like her Grandma, who says positive things about her face like, “Now it’s going to be all messed up.” [1]

In primitive cultures, facial scars are a sign of power. Warriors have been known to secretly cut their own faces while out hunting, and then run back to the village and claim they survived a dragon attack.

Talent agents are always seeking out people with deformities — excuse me, “genetic blessings” — and scars because special effects are quite costly.

Tina Fey has a scar on her face, and she’s got over 350,000 followers on Twitter.

I’ve got a scar on my lip from when I faceplanted into a coffee table when I was a kid. I’ve also got a chicken pox scar on my face and similar-looking one caused by a pimple when I was fourteen. A ladder fell on my head once and I got three stitches from that too.

I’d trade all of those shitty scars in for a brutal gash like Shantayah’s. It’s a man thing.

Sources: 1

Some people should never drink alcohol because it turns them into violent maniacs. 30-year old Susan Mwarabu is a good example.

MINNESOTA — Susan Mwarabu was charged on Monday with third-degree assault for a crime that she committed while intoxicated.

The assault happened the previous morning at the Uptowner Cafe. Susan overheard a group of men nearby make a joke about one of her friends eating french fries, and got very angry.

After giving them the stink eye for a minute, the inebriated sixth-grade teacher stumbled over to the table of men and targeted the one who cracked the joke. She leaned down licked his face before being pushed away in disgust.

Swooping down a second time, Susan seized the man’s ear in her powerful beak and ripped a chunk of it off. Figuring it was time to leave now, she snatched the piece of torn ear flesh off the floor, put it into her mouth, and exited before the police arrived.

If women aren’t going to stop drinking alcohol, the least a man can do is learn to protect himself against the rage of a drunken bitch. There’s an old saying: “Don’t piss off a drunk woman unless you have a gun to defend yourself with.” — Very wise, but there are less-lethal (old-fashioned) ways to dispatch frenzied females.

If you’re ever unfortunate enough to be caught in the destruction path of a liquored-up wench, follow these handy steps to restore the natural order:

1) Left jab

2) Right hook

3) Uppercut

Men are supposed to be drunken assholes, not women.

The victim’s ear is expected to make a partial recovery, and Susan is on paid administrative leave from teaching. The true winner in this story is me, who gets to make fun of ‘em both.

Bonus: Nobody knows why Susan put the dude’s ear BACK in her mouth before leaving.

Sources: 1

Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.