Some people should never drink alcohol because it turns them into violent maniacs. 30-year old Susan Mwarabu is a good example.

MINNESOTA — Susan Mwarabu was charged on Monday with third-degree assault for a crime that she committed while intoxicated.

The assault happened the previous morning at the Uptowner Cafe. Susan overheard a group of men nearby make a joke about one of her friends eating french fries, and got very angry.

After giving them the stink eye for a minute, the inebriated sixth-grade teacher stumbled over to the table of men and targeted the one who cracked the joke. She leaned down licked his face before being pushed away in disgust.

Swooping down a second time, Susan seized the man’s ear in her powerful beak and ripped a chunk of it off. Figuring it was time to leave now, she snatched the piece of torn ear flesh off the floor, put it into her mouth, and exited before the police arrived.

If women aren’t going to stop drinking alcohol, the least a man can do is learn to protect himself against the rage of a drunken bitch. There’s an old saying: “Don’t piss off a drunk woman unless you have a gun to defend yourself with.” — Very wise, but there are less-lethal (old-fashioned) ways to dispatch frenzied females.

If you’re ever unfortunate enough to be caught in the destruction path of a liquored-up wench, follow these handy steps to restore the natural order:

1) Left jab

2) Right hook

3) Uppercut

Men are supposed to be drunken assholes, not women.

The victim’s ear is expected to make a partial recovery, and Susan is on paid administrative leave from teaching. The true winner in this story is me, who gets to make fun of ‘em both.

Bonus: Nobody knows why Susan put the dude’s ear BACK in her mouth before leaving.

Sources: 1