To start off my first post, I’d like to thank Dustin and his loyal Sidecarsally audience of deviants, perverts, miscreants and fucktards for the warm welcome. It’s like stepping into a pair of newly-pissed pants. I’m certain we’ll all share a few laughs and pints of bodily secretions from this point on. And don’t worry Dustin, I promise to refrain from posting my vast gallery of animal rape pics (but readers are more than welcome to request them via email in exchange for snowglobes – I use them to make custom anal beads). So, without further adouche…

I went to Yahoo’s email login page to check my spam-filled inbox, and right before I entered my credentials I glanced over to the left and saw this really disturbing image:

It’s nice that Yahoo wants to appeal to the family-should-stay-in-touch crowd, but let’s be honest – granny’s straight up stroking that kid’s cock. Look at the downward direction of her right arm, and the extremely uncomfortable look on the kid’s face. He wants this photo shoot over ASAP before he blows a load on her hand and cures her arthritis by oiling her joints back to 100% functionality. And check out the shit-eating grin on granny’s face – does she even realize this is her grandson she’s tugging on? They’re wearing matching t-shirts, which would suggest to me they’re both attending some function like a family reunion. The back of the shirt probably says “Jenkins 2010 Family Reunion and Annual Circle-Jerk Marathon”.

The other issue I have with this ad is in its message. “See updates from people who matter”. Bitch, please. At that kid’s age, you’re grandma’s fortunate to know you remember she even exists. Nobody in high school logs onto Yahoo to email their grandmother. They’re busy filtering Viagra spam and slapping their freshly-pubescent cocks against their webcams on Chatroulette instead of studying for their algebra midterm. Besides, your grandmother is lucky if she can make it past the Windows startup screen. She’s probably downloaded more emoticons and other harmful files that her virus-infected hard drive could be Lindsay Lohan’s vagina’s stunt double.

I feel bad for the kid in the above picture. Not only does he have to attend a family reunion he wants no part of, he’s also being forced to be photographed while some blood-related octogenarian strokes his beanbag like it’s good luck and she has bingo that night. So, Yahoo, please do everyone a favor and stop trying to promote family stability through email communication. My family emails me all the time, and all I get are chain letters promising me a bigger cock and millions in Nigerian currency. If you saw my bank statement and genitalia, you’d already know I’m in the overdraft.

Hello Sidecarsallomites! The mastermind behind Sidecarsally thought that you’d enjoy reading my shit. (Note: The corn functions as Braille.) I thought I’d start with a little ditty about my hometown: Fort Worth.

Wednesday morning Wesley Lamb got busted for smoking a fat doob. What makes this so interesting instead of sucking big time? He was a Fort Worth police officer, in uniform, and in his patrol car. What does this menace to society look like you ask?

As of this morning, 4/29/2010, Lamb is out on bail and presumably re-watching his DVD collection of ‘The Shield’.

I have decided to let two men enter my writersphere and collaborate with me on the site. Before you ask, yes, some sexual favors were involved in the agreement — but I’m over it. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our dignity and anal virginity to keep our dreams alive.

@Killerwit and @JoelKodner officially have publishing abilities on this site, so they can shit on our brains with their stories whenever they feel like it. Make me proud, guys!

Killerwit hails from the great asshole state of Texas. I’ve never really met a person from Texas that I liked, except for Killerwit — but I’ve never actually met him, so he could be a pedophile clown for all I know. He gets the benefit of the doubt for now though.

JoelKodner is from Florida, so we already know that he’s fucking insane. I just hope he doesn’t post any graphic pictures of his animal rape/mutilations on my site.

All-in-all, this is a huge win for Sidecarsally readers — 3x the absurdity is like being kicked in the balls by your grandma in Hell while she’s getting a rimjob from Michael Jackson.

I just spent a few seconds pondering what life would be like if women grew ears of corn at the end of their breasts.

Everyday female life would be drastically different if God suddenly replaced their beautiful nipples with unsightly yellow cock-shaped vegetables.

Women would have to keep their nipplecorns lubricated to prevent them from drying out and shriveling.

Squirrels and other corn-loving animals would be a danger to women who are unable to defend their nipplecorns.

Sleeping women are at risk of having their nipplecorns pillaged by nocturnal critters.

Nipplecorns would have to be removed prior to burning a dead woman’s body, unless you want to be picking popnipplecorn out of her ashes.

Popnipplecorn would a delicacy. Most of the popnipplecorn would be produced in China, but we don’t know why yet.

….

You probably don’t give a fuck about this article, do you? You just want to see the uncensored version of that picture. Fine, asshole — Click Here (NSFW)

On April 22nd, Poison frontman Brett Michaels was rushed to the hospital after suffering a massive subarachnoid hemorrhage in his brain. Four days later, he remains in critical condition with slurred speech — and doctors still don’t know what caused the hemorrhage.

In layman’s terms, a subarachnoid hemorrhage is when your brain pees blood on itself.

The situation is serious right now, actually. Every moment is a fight to save Brett’s life because another hemorrhage is likely to happen if the source of the bleeding isn’t stopped.

THE HAT DILEMMA

Brett Michaels’ real hair hasn’t been seen since the 80’s — he wore bandanas on his head 100% of the time until recently when he switched to flamboyant rhinestone cowboy hats. This may have been his downfall.

The drastic cranial wardrobe switch may have upset the balance of blood flow in Brett’s brain, leading to the massive hemorrhage. But wait, there’s further proof.

Notice the picture to the right: Brett is wearing both a bandana and a rhinestone cowboy hat. I hadn’t noticed this until today, but it appears that Brett didn’t switch from bandana to hat — he simply added a hat.

Wearing a bandana under the hat makes perfect sense for Brett because it provides additional coverage if the hat falls off — he would rather die than expose his balding scalp to anyone. However, the hat may have additionally constricted Brett’s head on top of the bandana he was already wearing, leading to a massive bloodrush when he removed them both later in private. It all makes sense now!

From now on, I propose a shaved head look for Brett Michaels. Not only will it eliminate the sensitivity he has about balding, but it will improve blood flow in his brain and decrease the chance of another hemorrhage. But either way, those fagtastic rhinestone hats gotta go.

My mom says, “Get well soon, Brett!”