On April 22nd, Poison frontman Brett Michaels was rushed to the hospital after suffering a massive subarachnoid hemorrhage in his brain. Four days later, he remains in critical condition with slurred speech — and doctors still don’t know what caused the hemorrhage.

In layman’s terms, a subarachnoid hemorrhage is when your brain pees blood on itself.

The situation is serious right now, actually. Every moment is a fight to save Brett’s life because another hemorrhage is likely to happen if the source of the bleeding isn’t stopped.

THE HAT DILEMMA

Brett Michaels’ real hair hasn’t been seen since the 80’s — he wore bandanas on his head 100% of the time until recently when he switched to flamboyant rhinestone cowboy hats. This may have been his downfall.

The drastic cranial wardrobe switch may have upset the balance of blood flow in Brett’s brain, leading to the massive hemorrhage. But wait, there’s further proof.

Notice the picture to the right: Brett is wearing both a bandana and a rhinestone cowboy hat. I hadn’t noticed this until today, but it appears that Brett didn’t switch from bandana to hat — he simply added a hat.

Wearing a bandana under the hat makes perfect sense for Brett because it provides additional coverage if the hat falls off — he would rather die than expose his balding scalp to anyone. However, the hat may have additionally constricted Brett’s head on top of the bandana he was already wearing, leading to a massive bloodrush when he removed them both later in private. It all makes sense now!

From now on, I propose a shaved head look for Brett Michaels. Not only will it eliminate the sensitivity he has about balding, but it will improve blood flow in his brain and decrease the chance of another hemorrhage. But either way, those fagtastic rhinestone hats gotta go.

My mom says, “Get well soon, Brett!”