Wow, can you believe it’s Earth Day again already? I know, I totally forgot about it too.

Earth Day is supposed to inspire awareness and appreciation for our planet. When U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson first got the idea for Earth Day in 1969, he imagined millions of hippies holding hands around a candle and praying to Mother Nature.

Remember, LSD was also at the height of its popularity in 1969.

Forty years later, Earth Day is still somewhat celebrated by people, but not the way it should be. Nowadays if somebody wants to show their support for a cause, they tweet about it. Rather than attending a protest or rally, people complain from their keyboards.

Why go outside when you can log some hours on Twitter debating with @dumbshit5 about the benefits of recycling? Planting trees takes so much more effort than typing.

The best thing that could happen on Earth Day is a worldwide power outage, followed by a worldwide rainbow forming in the sky. Then everyone would go outside in unison and look at the rainbow and appreciate how special our planet is.

Until the power comes back on.

Nothing heals the planet like sunshine on a pair of 45-year-old tits.

Each December, thousands of fat fucks around North America wake up and put on a Santa costumes every morning until Christmas.

A Santa’s job is to sit on a throne all day, fondle kids that worship him, and get paid for it. Pedophiles often sit around all day and dream about their future as a Santa at the mall. It’s like the average American dream of retiring and moving to Florida.

Parents should always keep a strict watch on the groin of the Santa that handles their child. The baggy velvet pants can obscure a protruding erection, so a physical “boner-check” should be allowed to ensure that he is not aroused.

It’s better safe than sorry — That means it’s better to assume that every Santa is a pedophile that wants your child. However, many of them are not, so we must risk our childrens’ innocence to keep alive the tradition of Santa Claus.

CANADA — A Santa in Barrie, Ontario quietly pleaded guilty today to possessing thousands of videos and images depicting child rape and pornography. Most children thought Daniel Walter Gyselinck, 59, was building toys at the North Pole for 11 months of the year until he appeared at Barrie’s Christmas parade. Turns out, he was tuggin’ it to toddlers.

“When I sit at my computer, I slip into this dark side,” the pedo-Santa told police. He criticized the law for not finding the porn on the internet first, before he could masturbate to it: “Why doesn’t the government stop making it so easily available?”

Ironically, the child porn was probably the only thing keeping pedo-Santa from actually going out and raping kids. Thankfully he was able to stifle his fantasies and direct his “gifts” at the keyboard instead of some little kid’s asshole until he was arrested.

Since no elves were needed to testify against him, pedo-Santa will be sentenced in May.

You probably already have way too much shit in your house already, but you know what would add the finishing touch to your collection of miscellaneous items? A clear garbage bag filled with the shredded remains of over $10,000 U.S. dollars.

Richard Gere buys this stuff by the ton for his gerbils to build nests with.

The government sells shredded currency on their website for only $45, even though it’s worth $DICK. The shredded bills were were never in circulation, so unless they were defects or contaminated, the government is shredding good fucking money for no reason.

Perhaps a guy at the money factory accidentally ejaculated on a $10,000 pile of benjamins because it was the most money he’d ever seen at once.

No, the truth is this: The government profits most by shredding and selling worthless bundles of paper to millions of coin and junk collectors. It’s like shitting in a bag and giving it to you for $45, except the shit smells like money.

It’s like a money tree shitting into a bag for $45, but shredding his shit first so you can’t even eat it. I mean spend it. Sorry, I almost forgot we were talking about money, not shit.

The U.S. Treasury has other sneaky ways of glamorizing worthless paper, and the Dragon Boat is the best example. The Dragon Boat is a $50 bill from 2004, but it has magical powers of LUCK because the serial number begins in 8888 — HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!

If you can’t afford the Dragon Boat $50 (for $66.88), or if you already have one and want to be extra super lucky, there are other sets of lucky $1’s and $20’s to purchase. Don’t even think about asking for a lucky $5 or $10 though because that’s just ridiculous.

Disclaimer: Paying for sex with a lucky money will not protect you from STDs.

Notice the bills come fitted with a fancy Chinese-themed cardboard sleeve. There’s also a little explanation about how lucky the bill is, although it doesn’t make any promises.

Apparently, Chinese font makes almost everything non-Chinese more lucky — with one exception, cars. I put the Chinese symbols for “Luck” and “Serenity” on my car to protect me from accidents, but all it did was make me look like a massive douche.

But just because something looks lucky, that doesn’t mean it is lucky. Even the genie from Aladdin lost his powers to grant wishes in the end, so the government sure as fuck doesn’t have the power to print lucky money without his help. Unless there’s another genie…

Sources: Google “U.S. Treasury Money Factory Store”