Since I live in Canada, I thought it would be a good idea to write about some Canadian news. When something awesome happens in Canada, it’s usually nature-related. You may occasionally see a headline like “Man Killed in Highway Collision with Moose” or “Residents Complain Noisy Goose Family Needs to ‘Flock’-Off,” but most of the time it’s mundane.

Today is different though because I’ve got a picture of the world’s largest beaver dam.

That is an aerial photograph of the Wood Buffalo park in northern Alberta, Canada. That shitty-looking thing in the middle is a beaver dam nearly 1/2 mile wide. Chew on that.

The dam was actually discovered over two years ago by an ecologist using Google Earth to survey the area. That’s right, even the fucking beavers have no privacy these days. It’s only a matter of time before Google Streetview captures a married beaver cheating on his wife with a lowly muskrat, and then he ends up suing Google for ruining his marriage.

By now you’re probably thinking, “If the dam was discovered two years ago, why is it just now making the front page of Canadian Google News?”

The answer is I have no fuckin’ clue, but some people are acting like these beavers are gods now. Let’s get one thing straight: beavers are mortal. I can tell you first-hand that beavers aren’t even that great, unless you judge greatness by the ability to chew wood.

A beaver is basically a backwards platypus, but platypuses have poison spines on their legs which makes them deadly, unlike a beaver. It’s clear that if beavers didn’t have the ability to build dams, they would just be referred to as “worthless backwards platypuses” and they’d probably be extinct because everyone would kill them out of hate.

Beavers don’t just chew down trees — they leave behind a dangerous wooden spike that could easily puncture a foot. Hikers are regularly impaled on these spikes.

The best thing about beavers is their skin makes excellent hats. If you’re ever in the market for a beaver skin hat, be wary of the cheap muskrat skin knockoffs.

Without further delay, here are some facts about the massive beaver dam:

- 1/2 mile wide and was constructed by several generations of beavers.
- Made entirely of rocks, mud, wood, and the bones of missing hunters.
- Has potential to expand and connect to adjacent dams, creating an ULTRA DAM.
- Probably smells like shit.

If you want to learn more about beavers or dams, I suggest contacting a psychiatrist.

Sources: 1