Leave me alone because I didn’t fuck a squid.
And who are you to judge me, even if I did?
You say I’d fuck a squid, but you confuse the species, Chuck.
A squid is not an octopus, and that is what I fuck.

WALES — Andrew Dymond, 46, was recently arrested for possessing an array of bizarre and illegal porn, including child porn and — my personal favorite — animal porn.

Police found photos of people having sex with dogs, horses, and even squids octopuses on his computer.

Prosecutors amended one of Dymond’s charges when investigators realized it could have been an octopus in the picture, instead of a squid. Apparently there’s not only a difference between the two creatures, but also the level of depravity involved in masturbating to pictures of them.

I always considered squids to be equally as grotesque as octopuses, but I was wrong. After learning the differences between the two, I found octopuses much more sexually attractive. I don’t know what it is about them, but they really are striking creatures.

Dymond faces 24 charges, 10 of which are for possession of “extreme” pornography. He was released on bail under the conditions that he can’t access children or the internet.

Luckily, the police didn’t take away his wetsuit.

I did some research on octopuses and it turns out a lot of people fuck them, but nobody talks about it. In fact, the number of wild octopus rapes has tripled in the last decade.

If you’re going to try this at home, make sure the octopus is dead before you stick your penis inside it, otherwise you’re likely to have it bitten off. You have been warned.

Edit: I have just learned that it’s possible to rape living octopuses if you wear an armored diving suit with a chainmail condom extension, but it totally takes away all the feeling :/

Sources: 1