Did everyone have fun at the Twilight: Eclipse premier at midnight? I know I did. Everyone else was there to see the movie, but I only went so I could bring my nightvision camcorder and record all the girls getting fingered in the back row. There was a lot of fingering going on too — the sound of squishing vaginal juices was louder than the film’s audio.

If Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson fucked and had a child, it would grow up to be a stereotypical Twilight fan — Goth as fuck, but equally as annoying.

COLORADO — Last night, a woman told the Colorado State Patrol that a vampire caused her to veer off the road and crash her SUV into a canal. After spotting the vampire in the road, the driver decided to reverse her vehicle and head the opposite way. However, being a woman, she reversed directly into a steep ditch.

“Hold on, Bella — I gotta go fuck with this car that’s coming up the road.” — Edward Cullen

Police did not suspect alcohol or drugs as a factor in the crash, but according to investigators, there is evidence the driver was not taking her prescribed medication.

Perhaps she’s supposed to take pills that prevent her from seeing vampires, but it’s more likely that the woman was oblivious to the fact that Halloween no longer happens once a year, but also every time a new Twilight or Harry Potter movie premieres.

Bonus: There was a werewolf sighting reported in Madison Heights, Michigan last night as well, but it just turned out to be an Indian woman getting out of the shower.

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Last week, I reported on Lona Varner, the 86-year-old disabled grandmother from Oklahoma who was tasered and abused by police in her own home. If you haven’t read the article yet, HERE IT IS — I’ll wait. Just hurry up because I don’t have all day.

A few readers mentioned that the article was terribly skewed because it didn’t include any perspective from the police officers that responded to her grandson’s 911 call.

Varner’s story has gained massive popularity recently and surprising new information has emerged regarding the incident that happened in her apartment.

NEW “FACTS”

I originally stated that Varner’s grandson called 911 because his grandmother couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. What actually happened is Varner told her grandson that she was depressed and contemplating overdosing on her medication. Unsure if she was serious, he called 911 and they sent 10 cops over.

Despite the initial claim that Varner was tasered simply for “taking an aggressive posture” in her bed, the police now claim that she had a knife and made death threats at officers.

Officer Thomas Duran reported that Varner was holding a knife when they entered her bedroom. She allegedly said to him, “If you try and get the knife I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War II, and I would not bat an eye killing you.”

Officer Duran also wrote that Varner said “she was going to kill every officer that was in her apartment when she got out… she told me she was going to snap my neck like a twig just like she did during World War II.” As you can imagine, the officers were terrified.

Since the incident has become a national outrage, you’d think Lona Varner would be speaking out against the city of El Reno every chance she could get, but she isn’t. To the contrary, Varner has been nothing but rude to anyone who tries to interview her. It’s starting to look like this little old lady might just be an old grumpy bitch.

Varner and her grandson both completely deny the allegations that she threatened the officers, but I don’t believe that. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that Lona Varner shouted a bunch of crazy shit at them because she’s most likely senile as fuck.

BOTTOM LINE

Regardless of whether or not Lona Varner had a knife or threatened to snap necks like twigs, that doesn’t change the fact that she is a helpless, withered bag of bones confined to a bed. My suggestion is the officers involved learn to tell the difference between a dangerous person and an Alzheimer’s patient.

I used to take care of my great-grandmother — she had Alzheimer’s disease. She threatened to stab, choke, or shoot me almost every day. She also thought she was half zebra and said she had George Washington’s penis in a box in the attic.

My point is, when there are ten police officers against one disabled grandma with a knife in bed, all you have to do is wait until she falls asleep and take it from her.

JUST KIDDING

A police officer should never have to use DISCRETION when using force on a civilian. Those cops had countless reasons to protect themselves from Lona Varner. Look at all the possible weapons and other threats that she possesses at her bedside:

Actual photo of Lona Varner.

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According to a recent lawsuit filed against the city of El Reno, Oklahoma, several police officers are accused of horribly mistreating an 86-year-old disabled grandmother after her grandson called 911 seeking simple medical assistance for her.

The 911 call was made by Lonnie Tinsley who became concerned for his grandma’s health when she couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. His only request was for an emergency medical technician to go to her apartment and evaluate her.

“Hi, I’m looking after my granny today, but I don’t know if she has already taken her daily pills — and neither does she. Can you just send someone out here to assess her? Thanks!”

Rather than sending a medical technician, up to ten El Reno police officers forced their way into the old woman’s apartment to investigate. Startled by the overwhelming response to such a minor emergency, the old woman told the police to leave her home.

When the police refused to leave, according to the police report, 86-year-old Lona Varner “took a more aggressive posture in her bed” — and there’s nothing more dangerous than a disabled senior citizen laying in bed with an aggressive posture — so they stepped on her oxygen tube and tasered her twice. She suffered burns to her chest and fainted.

“Uh oh, guys — she’s taking an aggressive posture! Shoot the dog and taser the old bitch!”

Lonnie Tinsley tried to intervene and help his grandmother, but he was quickly knocked the to floor, handcuffed, placed in a squad car, and then incarcerated while his grandmother was being tortured in her apartment. After Lona Varner was tasered, she was handcuffed and taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

The police released Lonnie from the squad car so he could accompany his grandma to the hospital, but it wouldn’t be a quick check-up: Lona Varner was placed in the psychiatric ward under police orders and held there for six days before she was released.

Lona and her grandson are suing the city of El Reno as well as several police officers for punitive damages. Their attorney put it best: “As a result of the wrongful arrest and detention, the plaintiff Lona M. Varner suffered the unlawful restraint of her freedom, bodily injury, assault, battery, the trashing of her apartment, humiliation, loss of personal dignity, infliction of emotional distress and medical bills.”

I know there’s a whole other side to this story, but COME ON — there is no legitimate reason to taser a bedridden 86-year-old woman. Ever. Unless you are just doing it for fun.

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Today, residents from Michigan to Massachusetts reported feeling tremors from an earthquake that originated near the Quebec-Ontario border in Canada. The quake’s magnitude was between 5.0 and 5.5, and it confused almost everyone that felt it.

No deaths or serious injuries were reported after the earthquake, and the only serious damage reported so far was to a small bridge in the middle of Nowhere, Quebec.

Bob the Bridge — the only casualty from today’s earthquake.

When a person hears the word “earthquake,” they usually think of California, Haiti, or Rosie O’Donnell. Until today, most people didn’t know that earthquakes can also occur in Canada. Here’s an interesting fact: Between 1980 and 2000, 16 earthquakes with a magnitude of 4.0 or greater occurred in the same area in Canada as today’s quake.

The reason you never heard about those earthquakes is the same reason why the media didn’t pay any attention to the recent flood in Nashville — because the victims didn’t go crazy and start looting and killing each other. If a single white child was killed during every earthquake in Canada, you’d hear about every one of them, I guarantee it.

Earthquakes in Quebec are the result of seismic activity in the Western Quebec seismic zone. Without getting too nerdy, there are rifts and faults all over the area, and when they rub against each other, the earth has powerful shaky orgasms. By the way, if you seriously didn’t know what causes earthquakes, I’m amazed that you can even read this.

Earthquakes are the worst because you can’t run away from them like tornadoes. The only thing you can do during an earthquake is to panic and scream “I’m sorry, God! I didn’t know she was only fourteen, I swear!” until it goes away.

“Safety experts” recommend taking shelter under a desk during an earthquake, but you will look pretty damn stupid if it ends up being a false alarm because Rosie O’Donnell was out for a morning jog. Just kidding, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t can’t jog.

Now that you know what causes Canadian earthquakes and how to “protect” yourself from one, you can tell all your friends and they will pretend to listen to you.

QUEBEC, CANADA — Early Friday, two camels and a tiger were en route to a Toronto-area zoo all the way from Nova Scotia. They weren’t traveling unattended, of course — all three animals were secured in a livestock trailer that was being towed by a Ford F-550. I don’t know shit about trucks, but the bigger the F number, the better. I think.

The truck driver decided after many hours on the road, to pull over at a motel. While he was sleeping, someone stole the entire rig. Police recovered the F-550 later that day, but the trailer had been disconnected and the animals were gone too.

Everyone in Quebec waited anxiously all weekend for news that a tiger had killed someone, but it never happened. Finally, last night, a tip led police the abandoned livestock trailer with all three animals inside — they had even been cared for.

Investigators were baffled that someone would steal a valuable truck, trailer, and animals only to abandon them a few days later. Police don’t have any suspects at the moment, and their only clue is that they are looking for a person who isn’t very smart.

In order to assist the investigators assigned to this case, I have compiled a list of possible theories of what happened — from least to most likely:

#3: The camels jacked the truck and took it on a joy ride, while keeping the tiger locked up in the back. The truck broke down, but the camels got a local farmer to tow the trailer to a secluded location so they could party. After 3 days of heavy drug use and drinking, the animals decided that zoo life is better, so they anonymously reported their whereabouts.

#2: An animal rights activist followed the truck driver from Nova Scotia and waited until he pulled over for the night to steal the animals. The activist then had sex with the animals and also cared for them for three days until he had to return to his family in Nova Scotia. He does this every weekend, and his wife is totally cool with it.

#1: A professional livestock trailer thief spotted the F-550 and trailer parked outside the motel. He decided to jack the whole rig, ditch the truck somewhere close, and then sell the trailer and those funny-lookin’ humpback horses to a friend. Unfortunately, nobody wanted them because tigers and camels aren’t worth much on the Canadian black market.

Only those three animals know the real truth about what happened, but at least they weren’t harmed or violated in any way — unless my second theory is correct.

As for the thief that got away, he’ll have a great story to tell his grandkids one day: “Did I ever tell you guys about the time I stole a trailer that had a tiger and two camels inside?” — “Yes grandpa, but how does it end? — “I admired ‘em for a few days and then left ‘em alone.”

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