Get ready for one of the most fucked up movies ever.

“Martyrs” is a French mystery-horror film directed by Pascal Laugier, and it’s much better than his previous film “Saint Ange,” or as I like to call it, “How Long Was I Asleep And Did I Miss Anything Good?”

Laugier (which I think is pronounced “LOOGEY-AY” in French) has really outdone himself with this movie.

The Plot

The movie is about an evil secret society that tortures young women for years until they either die, or reach a euphoric state where they can peer into the afterlife and report the experience.

It’s almost impossible to talk about the plot without giving away major parts, but within the first 15 minutes of the movie, a middle-class white suburban family gets brutally murdered with a shotgun in graphic detail and it only gets way more fucked up from there.

Boobs?

Yes, but by the time you get to see any nudity, the girl’s body is so bruised up that it’s literally impossible to masturbate to, even in slow motion — believe me, I tried. Also, her body was being suspended horizontally face-down at the time, so her boobs hung in a really awkward way.

Now that I think about it, despite the boobs, that scene wasn’t supposed to be sexual.

Edit: I forgot there is a naked anorexic ghost woman that appears in several scenes. I suppose necrophiliacs would particularly enjoy those scenes.

Pros and Cons

Pros: Despite the non-sexual nature of the boob scene, I’m gonna have to list “boobs” as a pro anyway. Also, this movie had lots of blood, a brutal head-smashing scene, a skinned-alive scene, and lots of senseless beatings of women.

Cons: Be prepared for not only having to listen to annoying French language for 100 minutes, but you’ll also have to read subtitles — unless you speak French. And I doubt anyone reading this is smart enough to know two different languages. Subtitles also make it hard to stay focused on important things in the movie like hard nipples and blood.

Bottom Line

I know I didn’t do that great of a job at selling this film — just know that if I get excited enough to put down my heroin needle and actually review a movie, you know it’s gotta be fuckin’ awesome. I don’t hop off the dark horse for nothin’, if you know what I mean.

Martyrs is extremely well-acted and the director did a great job of keeping the viewer on the verge of having a boner and vomiting at the same time for most of the film.

If you don’t watch this movie after reading this article, you might as well go and get a big vagina tattooed on your forehead because you are a pussy. If you’re a girl and don’t want to watch it, I understand completely — but you’d be total girlfriend material if you did.

“Martyrs” has ghost elements, extreme gore, boobs, and by far one of the most unique stories in any horror film. A lot of haters will say “All that violence isn’t necessary,” but nobody complained about all the unnecessary cock in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

If “Martyrs’” violence doesn’t suit you, that vagina tattoo certainly will.