As a total glutton for punishment, I tune in each weekday morning to CNN Headline News to get little snippets of so-called “news” simply because the program “Morning Express” is hosted by the hot-as-fuck Robin Meade. Luckily the wife is already at work by the time I get up because the noise I make knocking over the ironing board with my erection would no doubt disrupt her sleep. They should just call the show “Morning Wood”.

Anyhow, CNN Headline News is one of many networks afflicted with a serious condition called MWWS (Missing White Woman Syndrome). As long as an attractive, pale-skinned female has disappeared, networks like this will have no shortage of “news” to report. Today there was an update to the Natalee Holloway story, as the main suspect in her disappearance,  Joran Van der Sloot, was arrested on suspicion of killing another woman in Peru. This guy should’ve been executed long ago simply for having such a pretentious, douchetastic name. There have been plenty of reports of this cockbag being recorded confessing to involvement in Holloway’s disappearance (ie: Murder. She’s fucking dead. Let’s face it) but the Aruba police are basically hotel security guards at best and couldn’t close a case if their tourism revenue depended on it. Luckily for them, this Van der Sloot (Dutch for “Killed the slut”) can’t control himself, and it looks like he offed another woman dumb enough to be in his presence for more than 5 minutes.

Look, I’m not blaming the victim (OK, maybe a little), but if you’re dumb enough to find yourself in the same hotel room as an internationally known murder suspect, you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility of having to fend off an attacker. Carry a gun, can of mace, titanium spiked dildo, anything. Seriously, ladies, what do you even see in this guy? You’re in an exotic place like Peru and the best you can do is some fuckwad who looks like the stunt double for Lloyd Christmas?

In addition to facing murder charges in Peru, this Dutchbag is also accused of extorting Natalee Holloway’s parents in exchange for information leading to their daughter’s location. I miss the old days when we just outright killed anyone considered a nuisance or threat. It’s about time we got back to basics, and rather than waste taxpayer money on litigation and due process, let’s just start throwing people into the Grand Canyon. Who’s with me?