When it comes to bad drivers, women are second only to retarded quadriplegics. I can hardly enjoy a nice drive in the country without an oncoming woman driver veering into my lane. The other day, a woman rear-ended me in a McDonald’s drive-thru and instead of apologizing, she stuck her head out the window and yelled, “Haha, I’m an idiot!”

That made it all better, ma’am. Oh, and by the way, FUCK YOU!

Driving is one of the easiest things to do right. Being bad at driving is like not knowing how to swallow food or breathe properly. I’ve never been in an accident, and that has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with being alert — an alien concept to women.

Ladies, it’s easy: Pay attention to the road, learn the difference between the gas and brake pedals, and don’t change your tampon or put on makeup while driving.

NEW HAMPSHIT — 42-year-old Heather Boettner almost killed a man on Saturday morning when her minivan plowed into a coin-operated laundromat. A customer inside the building was struck in the legs, but managed to escape before getting crushed.

Boettner told police that she was on her cell phone when she pulled into the laundromat. She forgot to put the minivan in park and then her foot slipped off the brake onto the gas, driving her forward into the building. Surprisingly, she was not changing her tampon.

The most intriguing part of this story is that NO CHARGES were filed against Boettner after the accident. That’s right: Despite recklessly driving into a building and almost killing a man, Heather Boettner doesn’t deserve any kind of traffic violation at all :/

My only explanation is that this must happen all the time in New Hampshire.

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