QUEBEC, CANADA — Early Friday, two camels and a tiger were en route to a Toronto-area zoo all the way from Nova Scotia. They weren’t traveling unattended, of course — all three animals were secured in a livestock trailer that was being towed by a Ford F-550. I don’t know shit about trucks, but the bigger the F number, the better. I think.

The truck driver decided after many hours on the road, to pull over at a motel. While he was sleeping, someone stole the entire rig. Police recovered the F-550 later that day, but the trailer had been disconnected and the animals were gone too.

Everyone in Quebec waited anxiously all weekend for news that a tiger had killed someone, but it never happened. Finally, last night, a tip led police the abandoned livestock trailer with all three animals inside — they had even been cared for.

Investigators were baffled that someone would steal a valuable truck, trailer, and animals only to abandon them a few days later. Police don’t have any suspects at the moment, and their only clue is that they are looking for a person who isn’t very smart.

In order to assist the investigators assigned to this case, I have compiled a list of possible theories of what happened — from least to most likely:

#3: The camels jacked the truck and took it on a joy ride, while keeping the tiger locked up in the back. The truck broke down, but the camels got a local farmer to tow the trailer to a secluded location so they could party. After 3 days of heavy drug use and drinking, the animals decided that zoo life is better, so they anonymously reported their whereabouts.

#2: An animal rights activist followed the truck driver from Nova Scotia and waited until he pulled over for the night to steal the animals. The activist then had sex with the animals and also cared for them for three days until he had to return to his family in Nova Scotia. He does this every weekend, and his wife is totally cool with it.

#1: A professional livestock trailer thief spotted the F-550 and trailer parked outside the motel. He decided to jack the whole rig, ditch the truck somewhere close, and then sell the trailer and those funny-lookin’ humpback horses to a friend. Unfortunately, nobody wanted them because tigers and camels aren’t worth much on the Canadian black market.

Only those three animals know the real truth about what happened, but at least they weren’t harmed or violated in any way — unless my second theory is correct.

As for the thief that got away, he’ll have a great story to tell his grandkids one day: “Did I ever tell you guys about the time I stole a trailer that had a tiger and two camels inside?” — “Yes grandpa, but how does it end? — “I admired ‘em for a few days and then left ‘em alone.”

Sources: 1