When it comes to bad drivers, women are second only to retarded quadriplegics. I can hardly enjoy a nice drive in the country without an oncoming woman driver veering into my lane. The other day, a woman rear-ended me in a McDonald’s drive-thru and instead of apologizing, she stuck her head out the window and yelled, “Haha, I’m an idiot!”

That made it all better, ma’am. Oh, and by the way, FUCK YOU!

Driving is one of the easiest things to do right. Being bad at driving is like not knowing how to swallow food or breathe properly. I’ve never been in an accident, and that has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with being alert — an alien concept to women.

Ladies, it’s easy: Pay attention to the road, learn the difference between the gas and brake pedals, and don’t change your tampon or put on makeup while driving.

NEW HAMPSHIT — 42-year-old Heather Boettner almost killed a man on Saturday morning when her minivan plowed into a coin-operated laundromat. A customer inside the building was struck in the legs, but managed to escape before getting crushed.

Boettner told police that she was on her cell phone when she pulled into the laundromat. She forgot to put the minivan in park and then her foot slipped off the brake onto the gas, driving her forward into the building. Surprisingly, she was not changing her tampon.

The most intriguing part of this story is that NO CHARGES were filed against Boettner after the accident. That’s right: Despite recklessly driving into a building and almost killing a man, Heather Boettner doesn’t deserve any kind of traffic violation at all :/

My only explanation is that this must happen all the time in New Hampshire.

Sources: 1

I’d like to thank the 30+ people who have already joined Sidecarsally via Google Friend Connect — I wasn’t lying when I said it was easy to do. Remember that you can now join other GFC sites and connect to other members. It’s like a mini-Facebook without all the Farm Wars, Treasureville, and Vampire Hut games.

To show everyone how easy it is to join a GFC site for the first time, I decided to get intoxicated and make a video tutorial. Kick back and enjoy!

I made a couple small improvements to Sidecarsally and wanted to let the readers know. First off, you will no longer lose a year off your life expectancy after visiting the site. Instead, the areolas around your nipples will grow 0.5mm in diameter every time you visit.

Enhanced Comment Features

Facebook only has a “Like” button, but that’s not enough for hateful people. The Sidecarsally comments section has been enhanced to allow readers to vote on whether they love or hate a comment, so make your comments special because people are waiting for an excuse to use that “Hate” button.

If your comment gets down-voted too many times, you will be labeled an asshole. Take pride in it because it’s a lot easier to make a person hate you than love you, especially if you’re as good-looking as me.

If your comment gets up-voted 20 times, you’ll be labeled as a “Legendary Commenter” — a title that holds the same importance as “King of Hot Dogs” and “Princess of Handjobs.”

Connect With Other Sidecarsally Readers!

It’s a well-known fact that Sidecarsally readers are some of the most attractive, intelligent, and wonderful people in the world. TIME Magazine once said that reading Sidecarsally every day is the internet equivalent of getting penis enlargement surgery on your brain.

Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of the Sidecarsally community? That’s a trick question because obviously EVERYONE want to be a part of it — and now it’s easier than ever! If you have a Google, Twitter, AIM, or Yahoo account, you can directly connect to SCS.

Don’t worry, no login information is stored — Google made the application, and they claim to care about your privacy. Once signed in, you can do all kinds of amazing life-changing shit like spy on other Sidecarsally readers, send them messages, and see what other sites they visit regularly. If this sounds like fun to you, click “Join this site” on the right and log in — it’s easier than using a calculator on a first grade math test.

Edit: Some people thought I meant to click on the mailing list button — Google Friend Connect is underneath that.

Florida amazes me with its stupidity. In Florida, things happen that do not happen anywhere else in the world. Humans rape armadillos and alligators in Florida — make no mistake, this has happened before and it will happen again.

I read at least one news story from Florida every day that angers me so badly that I actually have to take a hate shit immediately after reading it.

Last week in the Orlando area, a 14-year-old boy named Edwin was arrested for trying to help a lost child find her mother. The child got separated from her mother inside a Burlington Coat Factory store, and when employees failed to notice her, Edwin tried to help.

After looking around for the child’s mother, Edwin thought maybe she was in the parking lot. He took the child’s hand and lead her outside — she wasn’t there either. Upon returning to the store, Edwin and the child were spotted by the frantic mother.

Edwin, although only a teenager, is a friendly giant — like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile — so it freaked the child’s mother out when she found her baby holding hands with a magical ex-slave fugitive rapist. Despite Edwin’s mother being present during the incident, the child’s mother decided to get the police involved.

The angry mother decided NOT to press any charges once Edwin and his mom explained, but the police arrested Edwin anyway and charged him with false imprisonment.

The police captain justified the charges by saying, “He was in custody of the child and had no authority to be so… we have not charged him with an offense that did not occur.” — This is the attitude that contributes to Florida having one of the highest incarceration rates in the US.

To make matters worse, Edwin’s privacy rights were violated because news cameras were rolling and reporters were shoving microphones in his face as he was hauled away in handcuffs. That’s right: The cops waited until the media showed up to exploit the 14-year-old honest citizen they captured — Florida tax dollars hard at work.

Within minutes, reports were rolling out that a kidnapper had been caught. And just like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile, Edwin was wrongly persecuted and completely misunderstood for trying to help a little girl. There are a lot of similarities between these two stories, but I don’t think Edwin will get the electric chair for his crimes.

See how stupid Florida can be? The cops can’t even catch real criminals anymore — they just arrest people that remind them of characters from Stephen King novels.

Sources: 1

OHIO — Last night, a 62-foot-tall Jesus statue was struck by lightning as a storm rolled over Cincinnati. The bolt struck one of the statue’s hands, and within minutes, flames had completely engulfed Jesus. All that remains now is a steel skeleton with open arms.

The statue had many nicknames like Touchdown Jesus and Big Butter Jesus, and served as an extreme distraction for drivers on I-75 for years. Across the street from Jesus towers an advertisement for an adult store which has never been struck by lightning.

Touchdown Jesus can still be viewed in his former glory on Google Streetview — just search for “Solid Rock Church” in Monroe, Ohio. Yes, Google has even been to Ohio.

Despite the $700,000 damage estimate, the Solid Rock Church plans to rebuild Touchdown Jesus so he can continue to inspire other drivers not to look at the road or that dirty billboard across the street.

Some Christians believe that the lightning strike was a sign that God is pissed at us lately because of the BP oil spill and legal battle going on over Gary Coleman’s estate — so he did what any angry father would do and burned a statue of his son.

Forget about the thousands of children getting molested by their priests everywhere — God already knew about that. He also knows about all the clergy that use church money to pay for sex and drugs; their day will come. But BP crossed the fucking line with that oil spill.

I mean seriously, what other reason would lightning have for striking a massive steel structure jutting straight into the sky during a storm? This is so weird that “God” can be the only answer. Lightning doesn’t strike something unless it deserves it.

On a serious note though, look how far our beliefs have come since Clash of the Titans.

Possibly true comment: “The building behind Touchdown Jesus had $700k in damage. The statue itself was $28 MILLION bucks.” — Don V.