Twisted Giraffes Igniting Fetuses (or in this case, toddlers)

MONTANA — An adult grizzly bear went on a rampage at the Soda Butte Campground yesterday, killing one man and injuring two other campers. Each attack occurred separately while the bear calmly strolled through the campground during the early morning hours, attacking people in their tents for no apparent reason other than to be a dick.

48-year-old Kevin Kammer from Grand Rapids, Michigan died after being attacked in his sleep. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late to defend himself.

Shortly after, Ronald Singer, a college kid from Colorado, was awoken by the same bear chewing on his leg. Not one to be eaten so easily, Ronald punched the bear in the nose and it ran off. Anyone that punches a bear in the face and lives is a hero to me.

Ronald Singer — better known by his Indian name, Bear Puncher.

The grizzly bear decided to go for an easier target — a woman. It wandered over to Deb Freele’s campsite, broke into her tent, and attacked her. Deb screamed in pain while her husband slept peacefully next to her. Realizing that her husband wasn’t going to help, Deb decided that she was going to die, so she just gave up and laid there.

Fortunately for Deb, bears only enjoy killing if it’s accompanied by bloodcurdling screams. The grizzly left her alone and she was able to wake her husband up and tell him what happened — right after she bitched him out for sleeping through her mauling.

Editor’s Note: Only the husband knows for sure if he was asleep during the attack. It’s possible that he was fully aware of his wife’s close call with death, but chose to stay quiet.

Deb Freele recounts how she bravely did nothing to save her life.

Both Ronald Singer and Deb Freele will recover from their injuries. The man who died was not as lucky — doctors do not expect him to recover at all.

The bear was captured the same day as the attacks, and it is scheduled to be terminated. On a positive note, PETA loses supporters every time something like this happens.

Animal attacks on humans are becoming far more common, so keep an eye out for more awesome stories like this in the future — everyone loves a mauling!

Tennessee is about to vote for a new governor, and this election’s underdog Basil Marceaux is the man to keep your eye on. A self-proclaimed “people person,” Marceaux has a way with words that just might convince the people of Tennessee to vote for him.

Bill Marceaux is not only an accomplished speaker, but a prolific writer as well. Here are some examples of his ability to turn the English vocabulary into a beautiful literary art.

“Citizens who get food stamp and S/S check can not afford to buy where food now can they afford to pay Insurance we would need to find a way to pay the insurance for them.”

“My friends a beer stores say they check 200 D/L a day that 400 minutes a day per clerk which is over 6 hours at $7.00 a hour that $42.00, with it mandatory then we must pay them.”

” I believe we must hate the U.S. Flag because we fly the wrong one and when we fly the right one we and the government fly it wrong. Can we start honoring the flag Again.”

“Education ,let us put phonics back in school if you can not read you can not do History, Math, English. And that where we are now. Let make it mandatory in high school to read the minutes to the U.S. Congress, the Congressional Globe the real history of the U.S.”

Despite all of the awesomeness above, I don’t recommend voting for Marceaux until I verify that he is pro-medical marijuana, abortion, and gay marriage.

You can read more about Basil Marceaux and his goals as governor HERE!

There’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned CRAZY ASS EXTREME WEDDING!

Some couples get married by a skydiving priest while plummeting towards the ground together at terminal velocity. Others get themselves swallowed on purpose by blue whales, just so they can get married inside the body of the world’s largest mammal.

Mountain-top weddings are in the middle of the Extreme Wedding Spectrum, while blue whale belly weddings are at the extreme end. Backyard weddings are at the low end of the spectrum, and should never be considered “Extreme,” unless someone dies or gets arrested DURING the ceremony. Church weddings are boring and don’t count.

Newlyweds Drew Ellis and Lisa Satayut chose to forgo an extreme wedding and do the exact opposite: get married in the shoe aisle of a TJ Maxx department store.

Drew agreed to get hitched in the over-priced thrift store because he says TJ Maxx is his wife’s “happy place.” I always thought “happy place” was a term used to describe the place in a woman’s mind that she retreats to when her husband is beating her.

The couple exchanged vows in a widened a shoe aisle. Some floral arrangements were strewn among the footwear — it was truly a beautiful sight, except for those hideous Crocs. Who’s bright idea was it to make shoes inspired by the design of Swiss cheese?

TJ Maxx was more than happy to accommodate the couple. Why? Because the wacky wedding story would probably make the local news, and that’s like a free TV commercial for them. “Come to TJ Maxx, where the prices are so good, you’ll fuckin’ get married here!”

Drew and Lisa are forever going to be known as “the couple that got married at TJ Maxx,” and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing. It’s hard to take a couple like that seriously and wish them luck. They never would’ve got MY blessing for this. I would, however, agree to a feminine products aisle wedding in a heartbeat.

Surely they have some kind of extreme honeymoon planned to make up for the wedding, right? Nope — there is no honeymoon planned. Way to start out with a bang. This couple sucks. At least in a couple years, they won’t have a hard time topping the insane amount of excitement that they DIDN’T have as newlyweds.

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SCOTLAND — Scottish brewers James Watt and Martin Dickie have created a monstrosity of alcoholic proportions. No, not Lindsay Lohan — I’m talking about “The End of History” blond Belgian ale. Each bottle comes pre-fitted with its own unique… “pouch” if you will.

Fuck it. It’s a beer bottle shoved up the ass of a dead animal until it came out the mouth.

Watt and Dickie own BrewDog brewery in Scotland, and they are pioneers on the forefront of beer making. If you don’t know shit about beer, allow me to explain.

There is beer, and then there is good beer. Most of the pisswater (read: Bud Light) that you buy in stores has about 5% alcohol per volume. Malt liquor is beer that has more alcohol in it — usually around 7% per volume. Before today, the strongest beer I’ve ever heard of was 13% alcohol per volume, which is on par with wine.

BrewDog’s “The End of History” beer is 55% — stronger than most whiskey, so it’s not only the first beer ever served out of a dead animal, but also the strongest beer ever.

This isn’t the kind of beer that you drink at frat parties. At $765 per bottle, “The End of History” is best enjoyed by yourself in a quiet room, so you can sip it slowly and appreciate the delicate and complex flavors of the squirrel and weasel hair.

BrewDog has only produced 12 bottles of this stuff so far, and they sold out quickly. All of the animals used were roadkill, but their corpses were in good condition — probably hit by a Smart car. Rumor has it, they are in cahoots with Richard Gere to create smaller bottles using dead gerbils — Gere Beer.

Animal rights advocates douchebags are butthurt by BrewDog’s exploitation of animal corpses to market their beer, but James Watt says he’d rather the animals be “celebrated and valued than left to rot.” That’s a good point: Fuck funerals. If I ever get killed, I hope someone shoves a wine bottle up my ass and sells me to a rich necrophiliac.

You can’t purchase “The End of History” beer right now because it’s sold out, but you can make your own. Right now, I’m sippin’ Kool-Aid out of a raccoon.

Sources: 1