I fucking hate Ohio, and this next story is a perfect example why.

OHIO — Adam Collins and Lawrence Mick were arrested this week for animal cruelty and discharging a firearm after they shot Mick’s German shepherd six times in the head, neck, and chest with a pistol. The dog lived, however, and is expected to make a full recovery.

“Sarge” recovering after surgery. It will be a few weeks before he can lick his balls again.

Two sides of the story

A neighbor that witnessed the shooting said Mick and Collins shot at the dog from close range while it howled in pain, defenseless in its kennel. She also expressed concern that the bullets could have easily ricocheted and struck one of her grand children.

Mick and his girlfriend claim the dog was shot in self-defense because it was acting aggressive and trying to escape. The girlfriend also claims she was attacked last week by the dog, although her wounds more closely resemble a junkie’s track marks.

“And this is where I stick the needle, I mean where the dog bit me.”

Those shitty prison tattoos don’t help her credibility either. This woman couldn’t possibly care for an animal any better than she’s cared for herself. German shepherds make excellent pets, and they don’t turn on their owners unless they deserve it.

The bullets remain lodged inside Sarge’s body, but he doesn’t need any special care other than pain medicine and antibiotics. His miraculous survival begs the question, “Do dogs have multiple lives like cats, or was that just a really shitty gun?”

Don’t get too excited for Sarge yet though. Despite his tale of victory, he will be euthanized if investigators conclude that he’s aggressive. If that ends up being the case, I will personally apologize to Mick’s girlfriend for calling her a junkie.

But as for the two turds that shot Sarge, even if the dog was being aggressive, you might want to think twice about firing a pistol at a chain-link fence a few feet away from your neighbor’s house. Just pour some gasoline in the kennel and light a match, durr!

Collins pleaded no contest to his charges Monday, and Mick is due in court next week.

Sources: 1