There’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned CRAZY ASS EXTREME WEDDING!

Some couples get married by a skydiving priest while plummeting towards the ground together at terminal velocity. Others get themselves swallowed on purpose by blue whales, just so they can get married inside the body of the world’s largest mammal.

Mountain-top weddings are in the middle of the Extreme Wedding Spectrum, while blue whale belly weddings are at the extreme end. Backyard weddings are at the low end of the spectrum, and should never be considered “Extreme,” unless someone dies or gets arrested DURING the ceremony. Church weddings are boring and don’t count.

Newlyweds Drew Ellis and Lisa Satayut chose to forgo an extreme wedding and do the exact opposite: get married in the shoe aisle of a TJ Maxx department store.

Drew agreed to get hitched in the over-priced thrift store because he says TJ Maxx is his wife’s “happy place.” I always thought “happy place” was a term used to describe the place in a woman’s mind that she retreats to when her husband is beating her.

The couple exchanged vows in a widened a shoe aisle. Some floral arrangements were strewn among the footwear — it was truly a beautiful sight, except for those hideous Crocs. Who’s bright idea was it to make shoes inspired by the design of Swiss cheese?

TJ Maxx was more than happy to accommodate the couple. Why? Because the wacky wedding story would probably make the local news, and that’s like a free TV commercial for them. “Come to TJ Maxx, where the prices are so good, you’ll fuckin’ get married here!”

Drew and Lisa are forever going to be known as “the couple that got married at TJ Maxx,” and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing. It’s hard to take a couple like that seriously and wish them luck. They never would’ve got MY blessing for this. I would, however, agree to a feminine products aisle wedding in a heartbeat.

Surely they have some kind of extreme honeymoon planned to make up for the wedding, right? Nope — there is no honeymoon planned. Way to start out with a bang. This couple sucks. At least in a couple years, they won’t have a hard time topping the insane amount of excitement that they DIDN’T have as newlyweds.

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