JERUSALEM — On Monday, a Jerusalem court convicted a man of rape after he lied about his religion to coax a Jewish woman into having consensual sex with him. The “victim” claimed she never would’ve had sex with the man if she knew that he was an Arab.

When Sabbar Kashur, 30, met his victim two years ago in downtown Jerusalem, he falsely introduced himself as a Jewish bachelor seeking a long-term relationship. It was necessary for him to lie when courting women in Jerusalem because the majority of them would rather fuck their own fathers or the family dog than an Arab.

Relationships between Arabs and Jews are rare because of their ongoing battles over the Holy Land. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t bother researching it because it will only annoy you and further destroy your faith in humanity.

The chicks in Jerusalem must be as easy as they are in America because Kashur and his victim went to a nearby building and had consensual sex right after they met. However, when she later realized that he wasn’t a Jew, she filed a police report.

The judges sided with the victim, and before sentencing Kashur to 18 months in prison, they said this: “The court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated, smooth-tongued criminals who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price – the sanctity of their bodies and souls… Otherwise, they will be used, manipulated and misled, while paying only a tolerable and symbolic price.”

How sophisticated and smooth-tongued of the court to label Sabbur Kashur a rapist, when the only thing he is guilty of is adapting to the struggles of living as a minority in a racist country. I wouldn’t worry too much about the sanctity of the body and soul of a woman whose only inhibition before fucking a guy is whether or not he’s Jewish.

That’s not rape — that’s just called “YOU GOT PLAYED, BITCH!” Now get over it.

I once banged a Japanese girl, but later found out that she was actually Japanese and Korean. When I realized that she lied to me, I didn’t scream rape. However, I did regret that I didn’t get to fuck her a few more times with the full knowledge of her ancestry.

People need to accept that they are going to have regrettable sex with people. I have banged lying psychos myself, and in turn, I have lied about being an astronaut to score with drunk women. The next morning, I’d crack a joke about not being a real astronaut but still having experience in exploring Uranus — then I’d steal a few dollars from her purse and take a bus home with dried-up period blood still caked on my face.

To know that I couldn’t do any of that in Jerusalem just makes me fuckin’ sick.

Sources: 1

This is a story about what happens when your 11-year-old daughter acts like a promiscuous asshole bitch on the Internet, and then gets what she deserves.

You probably don’t know Jessi Slaughter, but if you don’t like her, she’ll “pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie.” She also wants you to get AIDS and die.

Hailing from — you guessed it — Florida, Jessi Slaughter is a little foul-mouthed shitwipe that recently achieved Level 3 E-fame just by talking shit on webcam. A video of Jessi breaking several of the Rules of the Internet angered an army of anonymous nerds, so they made it their goal to see what would happen if they pushed her buttons.

This is the video that first gained Jessi the negative attention that she deserved:

After the video above went viral, Jessi’s Facebook and Myspace accounts were soon hacked by people that wanted her to pop a glock in her own mouth and make a brain slushie. Her street address was posted online, and she received unwanted pizza deliveries and packages in the mail. Thousands of obscene threats and cruel messages poured in.

Jessi realized that she had dug herself into a deep hole and people were shitting into it from above. She had a mental breakdown and allegedly couldn’t eat or sleep for days. Her dad found out what was happening after she innocently explained it to him like this: “Daddy, our computer got hacked and now everyone is being mean to me.”

“Not MY daughter,” thought her father. “I’m gonna report all this to the Cyber Police — they’ll backtrace the e-mails and find the punks responsible. And when they do, consequences will never be the same!“ Then he said all that on webcam:

This video is a dubstep remix because the original keeps geeting baleeted.

Aww, looks like someone is butthurt because they couldn’t handle the heat in the e-kitchen. Ironically, Jessi’s plead for peace got way more hits than her original brain slushie video, and she was promoted to Level 2 E-fame, right below the Double Rainbow guy. Now, far more people hate Jessi and it is likely that she will never live a normal life again unless she moves, changes her name, and becomes a man.

In an interview with Gawker.com, Jessi’s parents said they are afraid to go outside and claim their house is under 24-hour police surveillance after receiving a slew of death threats. But according to the sheriff’s department, the only thing they are investigating seriously is the allegation that Jessi has taken nude photos of herself — LOL, oops!

A girl like Jessi Slaughter is clearly the product of shitty parenting.

Instead of her parents accepting responsibility for their mistakes and then turning their heads into brain slushies, they blamed the good citizens of the Internet for bringing it to their attention. Jessi’s mother still doesn’t even know what a brain slushie is because she hasn’t seen her daughter’s videos. “I don’t even go on the computer,” she says.

Some of you may think it’s harsh to treat an 11-year-old like that, but just imagine how annoying she would be in five years if this never happened to her. God only knows how many more Youtube videos and brain slushies she would have made by then.

Sources: 1

FLORIDA — A man dumbass was sent to the hospital with burns to 10 percent of his body after a box of fireworks exploded in his car last night in St. Petersburg.

The dumbass and his girlfriend were celebrating their “own Fourth of July” on the beach by shooting off some fireworks, despite it not being Fourth of July anymore.

Their fireworks annoyed a nearby group of people. After bickering with the group, the dumbass and his girlfriend grabbed their stuff and decided to leave before things got ugly.

From this point, there are two different versions of what happened:

Witness’s side of the story

According to an early witness report, “someone in the backseat of the [dumbass's] vehicle apparently tried hurling a mortar at a group of people nearby.” Instead, the mortar misfired and exploded in the car, causing the other fireworks to ignite.

Dumbass’s side of the story

After deciding to leave, the dumbass and his girlfriend responsibly gathered all of their burned fuses and tossed them into a box with unused fireworks. Somehow, the dead fuses came back to life and ignited the rest of the fireworks. The dumbass got burned when he tried to reach back into the car and pull his keys from the ignition.

The conclusion

It doesn’t matter what really happened. Here’s the bottom line: If you are transporting fireworks in your vehicle and they somehow ignite, then you are a dumbass. I can’t make myself any more clear than that. Of course, if I’m ever in a car full of fireworks when they explode, I’m sure I’ll have a damn good reason why it wasn’t my fault.

What a shame though. I’ll bet that 1991 Lexus LS 400 was in great condition before this.

Sources: 1

TEXAS — On Saturday, Dwayne Moten and his friend Jacob Wheeler executed a plan that they thought would surely gain Moten custody of his 3-year-old son. But now, Moten is dead and Wheeler is in prison for his murder, but he’s innocent! Well, kinda.

Their plan went kinda like this…

Moten: “OK Jacob, you’re going to take this gun and shoot me with it.”

Wheeler: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Moten: “It can’t fail. You’re not gonna kill me — just shoot me a little bit. Once in the right thigh and once in the left shoulder. I’m pretty sure those are two good spots to get shot.”

Wheeler: “And then what?”

Moten: “We frame my baby mama’s new boyfriend and say he shot me. Then she looks like she been doin’ some shady shit with her man. Then I get custody of Dwayne Jr.”

Wheeler: “You crazy but it just might work! Gimme that gun.”

Wheeler shot Moten just like he had asked him. Afterward, Moten casually drove himself to the hospital — but he didn’t make it. Like when Matthew Lillard got stabbed too many times by his friend in the movie Scream, Moten had been shot too much and felt woozy.

He pulled over and got out of his car and began screaming for help. A witness tried to help, but Moten collapsed and died soon after. What luck: There are arteries in thighs.

The shooter, Jacob Wheeler, was arrested and charged with murder and an unrelated aggravated robbery. The judge set his bail at some astronomical amount.

Wheeler was interviewed from jail today and he accepts responsibility for the death of Moten. “I want justice for his family,” he said, “but I don’t want the death penalty.”

I hate a lot of people enough to shoot them, but I don’t like anyone enough to shoot them. It takes a true friend to pull the trigger on you when you ask them to, and friends like that are hard to come by — probably because they’re all in jail by now.

Wheeler still wonders where he went wrong. If he could go back in time and change things, he would shoot Moten somewhere less fatal, like the chest or neck.

Sources: 1, 2

I fucking hate Ohio, and this next story is a perfect example why.

OHIO — Adam Collins and Lawrence Mick were arrested this week for animal cruelty and discharging a firearm after they shot Mick’s German shepherd six times in the head, neck, and chest with a pistol. The dog lived, however, and is expected to make a full recovery.

“Sarge” recovering after surgery. It will be a few weeks before he can lick his balls again.

Two sides of the story

A neighbor that witnessed the shooting said Mick and Collins shot at the dog from close range while it howled in pain, defenseless in its kennel. She also expressed concern that the bullets could have easily ricocheted and struck one of her grand children.

Mick and his girlfriend claim the dog was shot in self-defense because it was acting aggressive and trying to escape. The girlfriend also claims she was attacked last week by the dog, although her wounds more closely resemble a junkie’s track marks.

“And this is where I stick the needle, I mean where the dog bit me.”

Those shitty prison tattoos don’t help her credibility either. This woman couldn’t possibly care for an animal any better than she’s cared for herself. German shepherds make excellent pets, and they don’t turn on their owners unless they deserve it.

The bullets remain lodged inside Sarge’s body, but he doesn’t need any special care other than pain medicine and antibiotics. His miraculous survival begs the question, “Do dogs have multiple lives like cats, or was that just a really shitty gun?”

Don’t get too excited for Sarge yet though. Despite his tale of victory, he will be euthanized if investigators conclude that he’s aggressive. If that ends up being the case, I will personally apologize to Mick’s girlfriend for calling her a junkie.

But as for the two turds that shot Sarge, even if the dog was being aggressive, you might want to think twice about firing a pistol at a chain-link fence a few feet away from your neighbor’s house. Just pour some gasoline in the kennel and light a match, durr!

Collins pleaded no contest to his charges Monday, and Mick is due in court next week.

Sources: 1