CONNECTICUT — 25-year-old Derron Cooke was recently fired from his job at Wendy’s for righteously defending the first commandment of all fast food establishments: “Thou shalt not spit in thy customer’s food, nor shalt thou serveth food that falleth to the ground first.”

On Friday night, Cooke was lowering a basket of french fries into a deep fryer when he noticed a co-worker drop some bacon on the ground. Instead of discarding the dirty bacon, the co-worker put it on a customer’s sandwich. This deeply troubled Cooke. If he waited to report the co-worker, there’s no telling how many other pieces of bacon would be tainted.

No. This had to stop now. Cooke pulled a small knife on the co-worker and threatened that he’d better put more love into food preparation. The co-worker got the message loud and clear, but the police did not — they arrested Cooke and charged him with breach of peace, assault, and reckless endangerment. Apparently it’s illegal to pull a knife on someone.

Cooke was released from jail later that night, and was still wearing his work uniform when news cameras captured him leaving the police station. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer any questions, or say anything awesome like, “The bacon is safe once again.”

The other guy’s story

The “victim” claims that Cooke didn’t threaten him because he served dirty food. He alleges that Cooke attacked him because he was preparing a chicken sandwich wrong.

Either way, Derron Cooke has anger management problems. For $7.50 an hour, I wouldn’t care about anything at work, especially a stranger’s food. Every time I go to Wendy’s, I already assume that some asshole in the kitchen sprinkled pubes on my burger.

That’s why I never go there.

Bonus: FOX CT correspondent Jennifer Lahmers covered this story. I hadn’t heard of her until today, but I’m pretty sure that she wants to have sex with me.

Sources: 1

SALT LAKE CITY — Earlier this month, Joshua Lee Campbell called police and reported that he had been assaulted and drugged by a mystery man. To make matters worse, the mystery man also stole Campbell’s .45-caliber gun, drove to the mortgage company that Campbell worked at, and fired several rounds into the company’s $100,000 server.

After a brief investigation, it was concluded that 23-year-old Campbell had gotten drunk at a concert on the evening of August 12th, returned to work the same night, and shot the server himself. That’s right, believe it or not, a random stranger wasn’t responsible at all.

Despite his incredibly witty story, Campbell was charged with felony criminal mischief, carrying a weapon while under the influence, public intoxication, and lying to police.

“I can’t believe the cops didn’t believe me,” he thought. “Surely people get assaulted and drugged all the time in this city, and have their weapons stolen and their workplaces vandalized by the same guy that mugged them. Man, it took me so long to come up with that.”

There are far more discrete ways to destroy a business server without using a gun. Simply remove the two sperving bearings that run in a direct line with the panametric fan. Optionally, you could disrupt the processor by bending back the base plate of prefamulated amulite and then striking the surmounted malleable logarithmic casing with a hammer.

Just kidding, I don’t know shit about computers. I just use them to masturbate.

Sources: 1, 2

I was just about to prepare a story about a mother who was charged with child abuse for influencing her infant son to smoke marijuana, but then I heard about Canadian filmmaker Rob Spence and his ROBOT EYE. Sorry, but robot eye > weed baby.

Spence damaged his right eye with a gun when he was younger, and after multiple surgeries on it throughout his life, doctors finally advised that he get it removed.

“We did all we could, but you should seriously just take that thing out,” they said.

Immediately, he thought of implanting a bionic eyeball that could record all of his memories. “Fuck this useless eyeball,” he said. “Take it out. I’ve got something better in mind.”

After working with a team of volunteer engineers from Australia, it took only 3 months to build the first prototype “Eyeborg.” Since then, Spence has been posting all of his blowjobs online having a great time. He’s even working on a documentary using the eye footage.

Spence often takes his eye out to scare the neighborhood children.

The robot eye is made up of a “1.5mm-square low-resolution video camera, a round circuit board, a video transmitter and a three-volt rechargeable battery, all contained in the clear acrylic used to make prosthetic eyes.” Unfortunately, it can’t see through clothing… yet.

The quality of the footage is comparable to a typical phone camera used by regular perverts. Nipples look highly pixelated, and the further the lens is from a vagina, the uglier it looks — it’s usually the other way around in real life.

While Spence denies any plans to use his robot eye for voyeuristic purposes, we can pretty much assume that he is completely lying about that. But hey, I won’t mind just as long as he upgrades to a better camera soon. I’m not going to pay a subscription to a porn site with low-quality cell phone videos unless the chicks are so ugly that it doesn’t matter.

In the future, everyone will have robot eyes and the government will be able to patch into our video feeds and spy on our daily lives. We should all just kill ourselves now.

Source: 1

The small town of Stoughton, Massachusetts is mourning the loss of their beloved swan, Autumn Grace. The female swan’s body was found in the water by local resident Brian MacNeil. “When I got close, her head was under water. I pulled her to the side of the boat and her head was cut clear off,” MacNeil said, failing to mention how he cried for hours.

Autumn’s mate was also injured, possibly trying to defend their three little offspring. Luckily, he will survive to care for them — or maybe he will just take off and never talk to them again or pay child support. After all, it’s not like they can do anything about it.

Swans are not without their natural enemies. Among them are skunks, owls, bears, foxes, coyotes, and me (when I’m drunk). However, it seems unlikely that an animal would decapitate a swan, but not eat any of the flesh. That seems more like something a troubled teenager with bad parents and no friends would do.

Residents are convinced that Autumn Grace’s death was caused by a depraved animal torturer because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Rabbits with missing heads have also been found in the neighborhood, and another dead swan was found a couple years ago with a blood trail leading back to its nest.

In my opinion, I’d say this was a classic animal gangland assassination. I think Autumn Grace was involved in some shady waterfowl activity. Or maybe her mate caught her having sex with a duck — that would be enough to drive any swan temporarily insane.

A cheating swan? That’s ridiculous. I’m sticking with animal gangland assassination.

Sources: 1

I decided to write a brief update on yesterday’s story for two reasons:

1) I found pictures of Tila Tequila performing topless on stage moments before the mob of juggalos chased her and security into a trailer. You know you want to see boobs.

As for the second reason, there isn’t one. “Boobs” is the only reason I need for anything.

As you can see in the photos above, Tila had not been struck in the face with anything prior to going topless. It wasn’t until she exposed her tits that the situation grew too dangerous to perform. It is a very rare phenomenon for naked breasts to fail at putting a smile on a man’s face, and even more rare when a violent reaction occurs.

I spent hours trying to figure it out: “Why did the juggalos get more violent when Tila’s jugs came out? It just doesn’t make sense.” With no answers in sight, I tried to imagine myself as an angry juggalo — still nothing. Finally, I went on Youtube and watched a Tila Tequila music video. All of a sudden, everything was clear to me.

Have you ever actually heard a Tila Tequila song? I didn’t think so. I have though, and I regret it more than anything I’ve done in a long time — and I do a lot of regretful things. I once let fire ants crawl into my peehole, and pissing them out didn’t cause as much pain as that Tila Tequila song did to my ear drums. I actually contemplated suicide.

Imagine if Ke$ha sang a rap song while getting gang banged by a Nickelback cover band. Meanwhile, a drunk Paris Hilton, suspended in the air by a harness, is shitting on all of them from above and recording the sound on her iPhone with the T-Pain auto-tune app.

It’s seriously that bad. And if you don’t believe me, the photo below is final proof that even tits can’t save Tila Tequila’s music career. Still though, I cant help but think that she would’ve gained some juggalo respect if she had put some clown makeup on her nipples.

The juggalos displayed a powerful immunity to naked female breasts.

Editor’s Note: I had nothing to do with the censored nipples in the bottom photo.

Update: A reader name Andrew submitted this video from Newsky.com. It explains how Tila was warned that an attack on her was imminent, but she refused to withdrawal. Watch the video, and try not to be bothered by the stench of desperation.

pp

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