Drunk, pregnant, crackhead, hammer, robbery, win
posted on August 4th, 2010 by Dustin at 4:17 pm (EST) with 14 Comments
WISCONSIN — Last night, Julie Bailey and her roommate Bruce Collins were devising a plan to raise some money to buy crack. Two-months pregnant, Julie needed to make sure she smoked crack at least twice a day — once for her, and once for the baby.
After polishing off a 12-pack of beer each, Julie and Bruce decided to pawn a ring for some crack money, so they went to a pawn shop fucking K-Mart and tried to barter with a cashier in the jewelry department. As expected, they were turned away.
Back at home, Bruce hatched another plan. He handed Julie a hammer and told her to “rob some place” for drug money while he waited at home. She agreed that was a good idea, stuffed the hammer in her pocket, and set off her mission.
Sorry, I don’t know how Nick Nolte ended up in this image.
Drunk as hell with a hammer jammed in her skin-tight shorts, Julie wandered into to a restaurant called Taco John’s and approached the cashier. Her exact words were, “I want a soft shell and give me all of your money.” She tried to pull the hammer out of her pocket, but her thick thighs and tight shorts combined with the rubber grip handle of the hammer made it impossible to pull out. The employees laughed and then called 911.
Police arrived minutes later and captured Julie after a short pursuit on foot. She was carrying the hammer in her hand when she was arrested. Perhaps the perspiration that she generated while running lubed the hammer enough to pull out of her pocket.
Both Julie and Bruce were charged with crimes relating to the unsuccessful robbery, and were scheduled to be back in court this afternoon. In Julie’s defense, aside from the money, she only asked for one soft shell taco. That’s gotta count for something, right?
14 Comments - Leave One!
Tags: Alcohol, Bad Parenting, Drugs, Fail —
Comments
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Time August 4, 2010 at 7:46 pm
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Joel Kodner, Dustin, Colin Landforce, JMG / John, Sam G and others. Sam G said: RT @dylissia: Only In WI: Drunk, pregnant woman tries to rob taco restaurant with a hammer http://bit.ly/aFUAQR [...]
Comment from Brandon
Time August 4, 2010 at 9:26 pm
She’ll end up doing it again , cause she probally like the wetting of the hammer , i just wounder if she was able to hold the hammer in the back seat , imagining herself running again , kind of like one of them sex times after all is said & done when your just lying there with a cig. in your mouth ,but all in slow motion , all that lube , sensation , lol !
Comment from Guugley
Time August 5, 2010 at 3:16 am
^ What the hell did you just say?
Comment from Trish
Time August 5, 2010 at 11:50 am
If the baby survives the pregnancy – imagine what an awesome contribution to society it’ll become being raised by a loving mom like that. Awesome. Is there a Welfare agency that caters strictly to the pre-born/newborns?
Comment from Dustin
Time August 5, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Trish, don’t act like you weren’t blazin’ the crack pipe and drinkin’ 40s during all 3 trimesters!
Comment from Brian
Time August 5, 2010 at 1:18 pm
If Bruce were there to add, “I’ll have what she’s having!” As she struggled to pull the hammer out it would have been an even MORE Epic Fail, but unfortunately crackhead criminals don’t have that kind of class these days. 
Comment from Jazmin
Time August 5, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Wait a minute, when did bobby brown start pimpin white bitches?
Comment from Jazmin
Time August 5, 2010 at 1:29 pm
@Brandon…. I think this is one of those times where ou should step back from the keyboard and know that you MIGHT be a redneck.
Comment from Dustin
Time August 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Hahaha I fucking love Brandon. What you need to do is read his comments in a Southern accent, and they make perfect sense!
Comment from Evan
Time August 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm
“The employees laughed and then called 911″
I literally laughed out loud at that part.
Comment from Jazmin
Time August 5, 2010 at 4:12 pm
@Dustin HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just read it in a southern accent and now it all makes sense to me! Thenagain I just took a huge bong ripp and everything is getting mentally clearer at the moment.
Comment from MissAnthropy
Time August 9, 2010 at 9:47 am
If I ever get knocked up, I want to find a Taco Johns and rob it.
Comment from Trish
Time August 10, 2010 at 6:28 pm
@Dustin~
Of course I was!! But I didn’t try to rob a Taco Johns with a hammer…
Do they even have Taco Johns up here?
Comment from Killerwit
Time August 4, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Tell me the truth: As she fled the scene of the crime, did she cry, “You can’t touch this!”?