Bernard Howell, 26, is a lot like that little kid in The Sixth Sense — he sees dead people. And by “sees,” I mean “has sex with.” Surely, you’ve heard a girl use that term to avoid sounding like a slut: “I’m seeing a few different guys right now.”

WASHINGTON — On Sunday, someone called the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office and reported a suspicious vehicle with a dead passenger in the front seat. Shortly after the call, deputies pulled Howell over because his vehicle matched the description. In the front seat was a dead woman in her 50s wrapped in a sleeping bag.

“Hold on, I know what you’re thinkin’,” said Howell, “but I didn’t kill this lady. I found her body and just wanted to save the family on funeral expenses. You know, handle things myself. I did have sex with her corpse though. I thought maybe you should know that, in case you check.”

He was arrested and charged with 1st degree theft and 2nd degree manslaughter, but the report mentions nothing of Howell being charged with necrophilia, which is a Class G felony in Washington. Investigators said the victim suffered intentionally inflicted wounds, so it’s not likely that she died of natural causes or that Howell “just happened to find her.”

However, if his story turns out to be true, then Howell should move to a state where necrophilia is legal. There are 31 states where it’s perfectly legal to knock back a cold one, and drink a beer while doing it. That’s right, there is no federal law against fucking dead people because that’s something each individual state should be able to decide.

Meanwhile, it’s illegal to urinate in public EVERYWHERE. Who makes these fuckin’ laws?

Source: TheWeeklyVice.com