The small town of Stoughton, Massachusetts is mourning the loss of their beloved swan, Autumn Grace. The female swan’s body was found in the water by local resident Brian MacNeil. “When I got close, her head was under water. I pulled her to the side of the boat and her head was cut clear off,” MacNeil said, failing to mention how he cried for hours.

Autumn’s mate was also injured, possibly trying to defend their three little offspring. Luckily, he will survive to care for them — or maybe he will just take off and never talk to them again or pay child support. After all, it’s not like they can do anything about it.

Swans are not without their natural enemies. Among them are skunks, owls, bears, foxes, coyotes, and me (when I’m drunk). However, it seems unlikely that an animal would decapitate a swan, but not eat any of the flesh. That seems more like something a troubled teenager with bad parents and no friends would do.

Residents are convinced that Autumn Grace’s death was caused by a depraved animal torturer because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Rabbits with missing heads have also been found in the neighborhood, and another dead swan was found a couple years ago with a blood trail leading back to its nest.

In my opinion, I’d say this was a classic animal gangland assassination. I think Autumn Grace was involved in some shady waterfowl activity. Or maybe her mate caught her having sex with a duck — that would be enough to drive any swan temporarily insane.

A cheating swan? That’s ridiculous. I’m sticking with animal gangland assassination.

Sources: 1