SALT LAKE CITY — Earlier this month, Joshua Lee Campbell called police and reported that he had been assaulted and drugged by a mystery man. To make matters worse, the mystery man also stole Campbell’s .45-caliber gun, drove to the mortgage company that Campbell worked at, and fired several rounds into the company’s $100,000 server.

After a brief investigation, it was concluded that 23-year-old Campbell had gotten drunk at a concert on the evening of August 12th, returned to work the same night, and shot the server himself. That’s right, believe it or not, a random stranger wasn’t responsible at all.

Despite his incredibly witty story, Campbell was charged with felony criminal mischief, carrying a weapon while under the influence, public intoxication, and lying to police.

“I can’t believe the cops didn’t believe me,” he thought. “Surely people get assaulted and drugged all the time in this city, and have their weapons stolen and their workplaces vandalized by the same guy that mugged them. Man, it took me so long to come up with that.”

There are far more discrete ways to destroy a business server without using a gun. Simply remove the two sperving bearings that run in a direct line with the panametric fan. Optionally, you could disrupt the processor by bending back the base plate of prefamulated amulite and then striking the surmounted malleable logarithmic casing with a hammer.

Just kidding, I don’t know shit about computers. I just use them to masturbate.

Sources: 1, 2