CONNECTICUT — 25-year-old Derron Cooke was recently fired from his job at Wendy’s for righteously defending the first commandment of all fast food establishments: “Thou shalt not spit in thy customer’s food, nor shalt thou serveth food that falleth to the ground first.”

On Friday night, Cooke was lowering a basket of french fries into a deep fryer when he noticed a co-worker drop some bacon on the ground. Instead of discarding the dirty bacon, the co-worker put it on a customer’s sandwich. This deeply troubled Cooke. If he waited to report the co-worker, there’s no telling how many other pieces of bacon would be tainted.

No. This had to stop now. Cooke pulled a small knife on the co-worker and threatened that he’d better put more love into food preparation. The co-worker got the message loud and clear, but the police did not — they arrested Cooke and charged him with breach of peace, assault, and reckless endangerment. Apparently it’s illegal to pull a knife on someone.

Cooke was released from jail later that night, and was still wearing his work uniform when news cameras captured him leaving the police station. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer any questions, or say anything awesome like, “The bacon is safe once again.”

The other guy’s story

The “victim” claims that Cooke didn’t threaten him because he served dirty food. He alleges that Cooke attacked him because he was preparing a chicken sandwich wrong.

Either way, Derron Cooke has anger management problems. For $7.50 an hour, I wouldn’t care about anything at work, especially a stranger’s food. Every time I go to Wendy’s, I already assume that some asshole in the kitchen sprinkled pubes on my burger.

That’s why I never go there.

Bonus: FOX CT correspondent Jennifer Lahmers covered this story. I hadn’t heard of her until today, but I’m pretty sure that she wants to have sex with me.

Sources: 1