ILLINOIS — On Saturday, hundreds of annoyed concertgoers attacked Tila Tequila during a performance, hurling everything from rocks to human feces at her. She was injured after getting struck in the face numerous times and had to be whisked away by security before she was stoned, raped, and beaten to death by a bunch of juggalos.

Tila is now threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records, organizers of the annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival — the festival she was performing at that night. In addition to suffering cuts and bruises, her SUV windows were smashed out.

According to Tila, the crowd was hostile toward her before she even got on stage. Once everyone knew who the performer was, they made it clear that she wasn’t welcome. But rather than canceling the show for her own safety, she got on stage, took her shirt off, and heckled the crowd for several minutes while the items thrown at her got bigger.

Secret: I added the facepaint to the guy on the right. He looks way more like a juggalo now.

“You guys are all drunk as fuck and I love it,” she shouted into the mic. How dare she? Juggalos don’t get drunk — they drink Faygo. She should have done her research first.

Moments later, people were scooping shit out of the portable toilets and flinging it on stage. Throwing your own shit is typically a sign of insanity, but throwing someone else’s shit… it takes pure hate to do that. That’s how much the crowd hated Tila Tequila.

“She was taunting them,” a witness said. “She didn’t know how to handle the crowd.”

Searching desperately for a real fan amongst the sea of juggalos, but having no luck, Tila fell back on her most basic survival technique — showing her tits. When that failed, she was utterly confused and crestfallen. Her tits had never failed her before.

By this point, Tila was visibly bleeding from her face. Security was eventually overcome by the juggalos, and she was chased topless backstage. “Perhaps I should not have come to this place,” she thought to herself in a wise English accent.

Method Man is also threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records. He too was showered with objects during his set at the festival, and continued to rap despite visible wounds on his face. He maintained some dignity by keeping his shirt on the whole time.

“Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit!” Unless it’s just a solo member, then go ahead.

Tila Tequila probably deserved every rock and piece of excrement that was thrown at her, but what happened to her wasn’t totally fair… to us. I demand the juggalos pay dearly for their actions — or should I say lack of action. Seriously, how hard could it be for a few people to push past security and toss a 90-pound Asian girl to the wolves?

The world came very close to getting rid of Tila Tequila, thanks to the juggalos, but all I’m hearing are complaints about them. If anything, this has changed my mind about juggalos. I think I might actually start hanging out with — LOL JUST KIDDING.

Police are reviewing video evidence from the festival, trying to figure out who threw the rocks and bottles. The suspect they are looking for is a person with a stupid-looking haircut and face paint, which coincidentally is the description of everyone at the festival.

I think we should all just let this one go.

Sources: 1, 2

TORONTO — It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Samantha, the Toronto Zoo’s oldest gorilla. Samantha was euthanized this week after suffering two serious strokes. She leaves behind five offspring and her loving mate Charles the Silverback.

Gorillas age faster than humans. Their lifespan is only 30-50 years, and Samantha was only 37-years-old — still in the prime of her life. If she was a human woman, she would be about the same age as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City.

Source: 1

ILLINOIS — Ronald McIntyre is better known by his friends as “Boobie” in Chicago. When police arrived at Boobie’s place last Tuesday to arrest him for owing over $5,000 in child support, he made a quick getaway by jumping out of a third floor window.

“The grass down there will break my fall,” thought Boobie. Less than a second later, he was laying on a slab of green painted concrete with two broken legs. No wonder nobody ever mowed that part of the lawn — Boobie just thought it was magical grass.

Despite being seriously injured, Boobie was attempting to crawl away from the scene when police arrested him on the ground. An ambulance took him to the hospital where he was treated for compound fractures to both legs and other injuries.

Child-support evasion is just another charge to add to Boobie’s lengthy criminal record. With 80 criminal convictions ranging from assault to invasion of privacy, he serves as a supreme example of everything that is wrong with America’s legal system. I fully support due process, but after 50 convictions, a person should be lobotomized and castrated because they clearly have no value as a functioning, reproducing human.

Boobie is due back in court on October 19th. Until then, he will be waiting in jail, completely free on his own recognizance and trying real hard to make another baby.

Maybe if there weren’t so many people in jail and prison for shit like marijuana possession, there would actually be more room for real criminals and deadbeat overpopulators.

Just a thought.

Sources: 1

Bernard Howell, 26, is a lot like that little kid in The Sixth Sense — he sees dead people. And by “sees,” I mean “has sex with.” Surely, you’ve heard a girl use that term to avoid sounding like a slut: “I’m seeing a few different guys right now.”

WASHINGTON — On Sunday, someone called the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office and reported a suspicious vehicle with a dead passenger in the front seat. Shortly after the call, deputies pulled Howell over because his vehicle matched the description. In the front seat was a dead woman in her 50s wrapped in a sleeping bag.

“Hold on, I know what you’re thinkin’,” said Howell, “but I didn’t kill this lady. I found her body and just wanted to save the family on funeral expenses. You know, handle things myself. I did have sex with her corpse though. I thought maybe you should know that, in case you check.”

He was arrested and charged with 1st degree theft and 2nd degree manslaughter, but the report mentions nothing of Howell being charged with necrophilia, which is a Class G felony in Washington. Investigators said the victim suffered intentionally inflicted wounds, so it’s not likely that she died of natural causes or that Howell “just happened to find her.”

However, if his story turns out to be true, then Howell should move to a state where necrophilia is legal. There are 31 states where it’s perfectly legal to knock back a cold one, and drink a beer while doing it. That’s right, there is no federal law against fucking dead people because that’s something each individual state should be able to decide.

Meanwhile, it’s illegal to urinate in public EVERYWHERE. Who makes these fuckin’ laws?

Source: TheWeeklyVice.com

I spent wasted 7 minutes yesterday writing an article about a girl that quit her job in a “clever” way — via e-mail and dry erase board. Turns out, the whole FAKE story was concocted by two men named Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 to promote their website. They hired an actress named Elyse Porterfield Asshole 3 to play the role of “Jenny.”

I wasn’t the only one that fell for it though. Millions of people tweeted about it and posted links to the original story on Facebook. Both Jenny and the creators of the website admitted everything was all jokes, and even posted several more dry erase board photos of “Jenny” explaining the hoax. But everything isn’t all jokes and I’ll explain why.

Why TheChive.com Should Eat Your Shit

Upon entering TheChive.com, you see the slogan “Probably the Best Site in the World,” so you immediately know it’s probably not at all. A recent post on the page shows a list of the “best links on the internet,” but at the bottom there’s a link you can follow to have your website added to that list for a whole week. And it only costs $1000.

“The best links on the internet come from the people that send us the most money.” It’s clear these people have no morals, which isn’t a bad thing unless combined with greed.

Interesting fact: Asshole 1 and 2 have been responsible for a couple other hoaxes that nobody remembers. Their formula goes like this: make a hoax, get hits, whore for ad money, and then it’s back to sucking dicks until the next big hoax.

While the content on TheChive.com is mainly just re-tagged photos from failblog.org and other meme and lolcat sites, it’s mostly TRUTHFUL content. That’s another reason why so many people believed the latest hoax. If this was done for genuine LULZ, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it wasn’t — It was done strictly so TheChive could finance their collective addiction to Valtrex and spam us with shitty links from advertisers. We got trolled.

When the Balloon Boy’s parents did this shit, they went to jail.

I promise you all one thing: If I ever fabricate a nationwide hoax, it will be a fuck of a lot better than one about a girl that quits her office job. Sorry, guys.