When I first heard that Segway owner Jimi Heselden was killed last weekend, I wasn’t surprised. A number of serious illnesses can plague a man of his advanced age. But when I found out that he didn’t die of a stroke or prostate cancer, but by driving his own Segway off a cliff, I had to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion.

Heselden lost control of his Segway and careened off a 30-foot-cliff into a river.

Police ruled Heselden’s death accidental, but I’ve been keeping a record of Segway mishaps ever since George Bush fell off a Segway in 2003.

What if I told you that Heselden was murdered by his Segway?

I have discovered some disturbing things about Segways. These two-wheeled deathpods have greatly evolved since they were introduced in 2002. While the new models look more sleek and futuristic, they were also manufactured with an advanced i69u processor. The i69u has electro-mutated over the years until it finally gained consciousness of itself.

The government denies everything about this “living” processor, but they keep a secret list of all Segway owners in the U.S. — just in case. Segway is rumored to be developing an i-p4u processor with mind-control capability, which is one reason why the terrorism threat level in the U.S. is always “Orange” — but the government denies that too.

Despite the software advancements in Segways, mishaps continue to happen at an alarming rate. Citizens are reporting gangs of Segways roaming the foggy streets at night without anyone riding them. One woman was brutally raped by a rogue Segway.

I support the zero emissions that Segways promote, but not at the cost of my sanity.

Do you think Segways have the ability to control our minds? Comment below!

This weekend, eccentric hip-hop entertainer and TV host Nick Cannon challenged Eminem to a fight. Hundreds of miles away from his nemesis, Cannon announced during his New York-based radio show that he had created a Facebook page to promote a charity boxing match to end their 2-year feud over Mariah Carey’s vagina.

“Call Don King; get him on the phone. It’s going down,” Cannon said.

Eminem claims that he and Mariah Carey had sexual relations before she married Cannon, but she denied it. He retaliated by releasing a track called “The Warning” that detailed their secret 6 month relationship, including the time he prematurely ejaculated on her stomach.

Cannon didn’t make a viable comeback for a long time — probably because he was busy hosting America’s Got Talent — but now that the season is over, he wants to settle the dispute with big padded fists. And all the violence will get donated to charity!

I would pay premium pay-per-view prices to watch this fight. I’m guessing Nick Cannon is in better physical condition, but Eminem has the bonus of being completely insane.

Honestly, I don’t know why Nick Cannon cares so much. There’s a 95% chance that his wang is huge — and that’s not a stereotype, it’s an ethnic fact. If Cannon really wants to get revenge, he should wait until Eminem’s daughter is legal and then get her pregnant.

Nick Cannon and Eminem go together like motor oil and milk, not because of their opposite skin tones, but because motor oil and milk just don’t mix well. Actually, I’ve never tried to mix them before, so that might be a bad example to use. Hold on for a minute while I check…

OK, I have just confirmed that motor oil and milk are a terrible combination, thus making my previous comparison legitimate. If you are still hung up on the race factor, just imagine that Nick Cannon is the milk and Enimem is the oil — and stop being so sensitive, bitch.

Do you think Eminem and Nick Cannon should fight to the death? Comment below!

Sources: Nick Cannon Vs. Eminem Boxing Facebook Page, Freep.com

GEORGIA — On August 1st, Carmen Jones’s 4-year-old grandson contracted oral herpes from a used condom that he found in a hotel room. The young boy found the condom in the hotel bed and thought it was a balloon — a mistake that most kids have made.

Carmen left her grandson alone for a moment while she used the bathroom. She ran out to see what he found when she heard him shout, “Yay! A balloon,” from the other room — but she was too late. “His tongue was in the condom and he was trying to blow it up,” she said.

Jones said her grandson fell ill days later and got blisters in his mouth. Doctors suspected the child had contracted herpes from the condom, and despite several sleepless nights spent praying to God for mercy, lab tests confirmed they were right.

“He tested negative for the HIV and the STD, but positive for the herpes.” said Jones.

For you uneducated children out there, herpes can be transmitted from mouth to crotch and vise versa. In fact, herpes can be spread to your anus, and if someone without herpes licks that, they will get a vicious strain of ass herpes on their mouth — FOREVER.

There is no cure for the herpes virus yet, and it’s likely that Jones’s grandson will have recurring outbreaks for the rest of his life. Every time he gets a cold sore, he will be reminded that his virus was transmitted indirectly from another man’s penis.

Carmen Jones can’t kiss her grandson anymore, and they surely can’t 69 (he’s too short).

Police haven’t commented on whether or not they intend to charge the original user of the condom with careless discharge of a volatile prophylactic, but they should. It’s great that he was using a condom, but he should carry a small biohazard disposal container with him.

Used condoms should be treated the same way as used tampons — photographed and laughed at, then wrapped in tissue paper and incinerated.

Sources: 1

FLORIDA — Many parents of students in Broward School District are outraged after seeing photos of a bus driver texting while transporting their precious human cargo.

The unnamed driver denied the allegations to a news reporter, but student passengers on the bus took photos as proof that she at least uses her phone while driving — or possibly at a red light, which is still against the district’s strict policies regarding bus safety.

If the driver is found guilty by the school board for texting while driving, the punishment is a five day suspension. If she gets busted a second time, she will be terminated.

Personally, I’d be more scared about the fact that she’s a woman driving a bus full of kids around. I took the bus for a year in high school (before texting existed) and my bus driver — a woman — hit 4 parked cars and a dog in 3 months. Her replacement — a man — ended up being a convicted rapist, but he always got us to school on time and SAFE.

Well, except for one girl who went missing on his route. But you get the point.

Texting while driving isn’t dangerous unless you’re a dumbass. And if you’re a dumbass, you shouldn’t be driving a fucking vehicle in the first place, especially a bus.

Does your bus driver text (or masturbate) while driving? Comment below!

Sources: 1

I’ve never written an article while masturbating before, so here goes.

HALIFAX — After a long night of alcohol consumption, Crystal Muise SOMEHOW ended up on the unsafe side of her apartment balcony’s safety railing — hanging on for dear life.

For once she was thankful that she didn’t live in the 11th floor penthouse, but she worried that falling seven floors was still going to hurt more than a little bit.

As her grasp weakened, she accepted her destiny and let go of the railing and fell for what seemed like an eternity. She blacked out as her thick body splattered on the gravel below.

Crystal split the top of her head open from front to back, broke her back, three ribs, both her arms and shoulders, partially ripped an ear off, and knocked her teeth out.

Despite her brutal injuries, Crystal is expected to survive. “She’s got to be part cat,” her mom told reporters because, apparently, cats break all of their bones when they fall.

The police investigated the incident and concluded that it was an accident — a conclusion that doesn’t sit well with me considering NOBODY KNOWS WHY THIS HAPPENED.

Of course, friends and family are using the M-word to explain Crystal’s brush with death. “It’s a 100% miracle,” says her brother. “She’s going to be a walking miracle,” says her mom.

NEWSFLASH: It’s not a miracle. It’s a simple question of weight ratios! Crystal’s “curvy” body type cushioned the blow that would have destroyed a thinner girl.

More cushion for the pushin’ landing.

Sources: 1

Bonus Comment: “I seriously doubt this broad was “hanging on” for more than a tenth of a second.” — footlong