IT’S OFFICIAL: There is no God (according to Stephen Hawking).

As far as I’m concerned, everything that comes out of Stephen Hawking’s electronic voice synthesizer is infinitely more truthful and relevant than anything that has ever been recorded in scripture. In his newest book The Grand Design, Hawking states that God did not create the universe out of wad of pubic hair and oatmeal like we all thought.

His body may be paralyzed, but Hawking is a master at making silly faces for the children.

In the 1980’s, Hawking accepted the possibility that God created this whole mess. He wrote: “If we discover a complete theory, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason – for then we should know the mind of God.” However, after decades of a rare technique called “rational thinking,” Hawking has changed his mind — something that rarely occurs.

Hawking began to doubt the intelligent design theory in 1992 when astronomers discovered the first extrasolar planet — a planet that orbits a different star than our own sun. Since then, over 490 other planets orbiting other suns have been discovered. “That makes the coincidences of our planetary conditions – the single sun, the lucky combination of Earth-sun distance and solar mass – far less remarkable, and far less compelling as evidence that the Earth was carefully designed just to please us human beings,” he writes.

“Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing… Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist… It is not necessary to invoke God… and set the universe going.”

Hawking in Space — An upcoming motion picture by Rob Zombie. Rated NC-17.

Most Sidecarsally readers probably can’t even tie their own shoes, let alone understand advanced astrophysics theories, but that’s why I’m writing about it in layman’s terms. Check it out: Gravity = No God. There are some other factors, but the gravity thing is really important. Dammit, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at explaining this.

OK, fuck everything that Stephen Hawking says about extrasolar planets and gravity. It all comes down to SPONTANEOUS CREATION and whether or not it’s possible, which it is. We have known this since 1798, when the first spontaneously-created animal was discovered in the most Godless land of all — Australia. This is a platypus:

A platypus is not the result of a beaver that raped a duck ten million years ago. Also, God did not create the platypus out of a bunch of spare animal parts. The truth is, the platypus just happened one day, therefore, God isn’t necessary in creation. The end, I win.

Sources: 1