FLORIDA — Alexander Alcantare is the kind of guy that would give his left arm to save a nest of baby birds in peril, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. Some years ago, Alexander was electrocuted while trying to remove a bird’s nest from some power lines. The burns were so bad that his arm had to be decapitated at the hospital.

The loss of an arm has not affected Alexander’s hobby for helping animals though. Just recently, he noticed a large wounded alligator swimming in a canal near his home. Using a baited hook, he lured the reptile to shore and asked a frightened onlooker to help.

Rather than helping a one-armed man wrestle an alligator, the witness fled, leaving Alexander alone with the beast. What happened next was like that scene from Joe Dirt, except much funnier. The 7-foot alligator suddenly snapped down on his remaining arm.

Alexander was able to loosen the gator’s grip on his arm — an impressive feat in itself — and then transported it home on his bicycle with one fucking arm.

It must be common to see one-armed men carrying alligators around on their bicycles in Florida because nobody took any photos of these events as they occurred.

When Alexander got home, he called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission for help. His arm was bleeding quite badly, but this was no time to complain — he had a gator to save.

When the FWC arrived, rather than praising Alexander for such a daring rescue, they gave him a citation for possession of an alligator. They said the rescue was pointless because the reptile would probably be euthanized because of its size and aggressiveness.

Alexander was stunned that his good deed not only went unappreciated, but that he was punished for trying to save an animal’s life. It’s illegal to abuse and rape alligators in Florida, but you can’t rescue them either. If you see an alligator in distress, it’s best just to turn a blind eye, the same as most people do when they see another human in distress.

Before leaving, as if to rub a little more salt on his emotional (and physical) wounds, the FWC also warned Alexander that his pet raccoon needed a permit. Fucking bastards.

Sources: 1