FLORIDA — While employees were rolling back prices at a Sarasota Walmart, 28-year-old William Black’s eyes were rolling back as he ejaculated onto the floor of the toy aisle.

A female employee near the toy section became suspicious when she heard sexual moans coming from a nearby aisle. She quietly peeked around the corner and witnessed Black fapping his meat to a Sports Illustrated magazine — the swimsuit edition, of course.

The startled employee notified another co-worker, who verified that Black’s suspicious behavior was indeed masturbatorial in nature. After a good laugh, they called the police.

Security cameras captured Black trying to get rid of the semen by smearing it around the floor with his shoe. Then, he put the magazine on a shelf and wiped his semen-covered hand on a plush toy. He was confronted by a police officer before leaving the store.

Black denied the allegations at first. “I was just looking for a toy for my daughter,” he said.

After realizing that he was caught white-handed, he finally confessed. Black told the officer that he felt compelled to masturbate because there were so many hot girls in the store, and he used the toy aisle because magazines weren’t allowed in the bathrooms.

Black was correct about Wal-Mart not allowing unpurchased magazines in their bathrooms, but I’m not so sure about there being “hot girls” in the store. First of all, he was using a swimsuit magazine for ejaculatory inspiration. Secondly, we all know what the typical female Wal-Mart customer looks like, and she’s nothing to get hard over.

This woman was shopping for a few new bras to wear backwards.

The police were unsympathetic to Black’s sexual needs and charged him with public exposure of his sexual organs. He was also slapped with a felony battery charge for “leaving bodily fluids in a place where a child may come into harmful contact with it.”

The battery charge confuses me because I can’t think of a realistic way that a child could come into harmful contact with semen, unless there was a giant reservoir filled with semen and the child drowns in it, but that seems highly unlikely ever since Michael Jackson died.

Bonus: After the incident, Black was also fired from his job as a substitute teacher.

Sources: 1, Police Report