FLORIDA — While employees were rolling back prices at a Sarasota Walmart, 28-year-old William Black’s eyes were rolling back as he ejaculated onto the floor of the toy aisle.

A female employee near the toy section became suspicious when she heard sexual moans coming from a nearby aisle. She quietly peeked around the corner and witnessed Black fapping his meat to a Sports Illustrated magazine — the swimsuit edition, of course.

The startled employee notified another co-worker, who verified that Black’s suspicious behavior was indeed masturbatorial in nature. After a good laugh, they called the police.

Security cameras captured Black trying to get rid of the semen by smearing it around the floor with his shoe. Then, he put the magazine on a shelf and wiped his semen-covered hand on a plush toy. He was confronted by a police officer before leaving the store.

Black denied the allegations at first. “I was just looking for a toy for my daughter,” he said.

After realizing that he was caught white-handed, he finally confessed. Black told the officer that he felt compelled to masturbate because there were so many hot girls in the store, and he used the toy aisle because magazines weren’t allowed in the bathrooms.

Black was correct about Wal-Mart not allowing unpurchased magazines in their bathrooms, but I’m not so sure about there being “hot girls” in the store. First of all, he was using a swimsuit magazine for ejaculatory inspiration. Secondly, we all know what the typical female Wal-Mart customer looks like, and she’s nothing to get hard over.

This woman was shopping for a few new bras to wear backwards.

The police were unsympathetic to Black’s sexual needs and charged him with public exposure of his sexual organs. He was also slapped with a felony battery charge for “leaving bodily fluids in a place where a child may come into harmful contact with it.”

The battery charge confuses me because I can’t think of a realistic way that a child could come into harmful contact with semen, unless there was a giant reservoir filled with semen and the child drowns in it, but that seems highly unlikely ever since Michael Jackson died.

Bonus: After the incident, Black was also fired from his job as a substitute teacher.

Sources: 1, Police Report

This next story happened a stone’s throw from where I used to get my favorite hookers.

SOUTHFIELD, MI — A 2-year-old girl suffered only a broken femur after falling out of the window of her 9th floor apartment on Wednesday night. That’s almost 100 FEET.

The toddler’s mother was in the room when she leaned against the window screen and fell out. Police are considering it an accident, but I have my own suspicions.

I bet if the walls of that apartment could talk, they would say things like “We could really use a new coat of paint — it’s been 15 years,” and “She pushed that baby out the window!”

Several witnesses watched as the little girl hit the ground and screamed in pain with a broken femur — the largest bone in your body besides my erection (unless you’re a dude).

One witness described the sound of shattered bones as “very satisfying.”

Before you start believing in God and thinking that this was a miracle, it’s important to know that the little girl’s fall was softened because she landed in a tree first. She didn’t fall 100 feet and just bounce off the concrete. Had that happened, the police would still be scraping her off the sidewalk because toddlers explode easily — I would know.

Although the mother wasn’t charged, the outcome is bittersweet for her because you only get one chance to push your kid out of a window and pretend it was an accident.

Sources: 1

FLORIDA — Alexander Alcantare is the kind of guy that would give his left arm to save a nest of baby birds in peril, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. Some years ago, Alexander was electrocuted while trying to remove a bird’s nest from some power lines. The burns were so bad that his arm had to be decapitated at the hospital.

The loss of an arm has not affected Alexander’s hobby for helping animals though. Just recently, he noticed a large wounded alligator swimming in a canal near his home. Using a baited hook, he lured the reptile to shore and asked a frightened onlooker to help.

Rather than helping a one-armed man wrestle an alligator, the witness fled, leaving Alexander alone with the beast. What happened next was like that scene from Joe Dirt, except much funnier. The 7-foot alligator suddenly snapped down on his remaining arm.

Alexander was able to loosen the gator’s grip on his arm — an impressive feat in itself — and then transported it home on his bicycle with one fucking arm.

It must be common to see one-armed men carrying alligators around on their bicycles in Florida because nobody took any photos of these events as they occurred.

When Alexander got home, he called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission for help. His arm was bleeding quite badly, but this was no time to complain — he had a gator to save.

When the FWC arrived, rather than praising Alexander for such a daring rescue, they gave him a citation for possession of an alligator. They said the rescue was pointless because the reptile would probably be euthanized because of its size and aggressiveness.

Alexander was stunned that his good deed not only went unappreciated, but that he was punished for trying to save an animal’s life. It’s illegal to abuse and rape alligators in Florida, but you can’t rescue them either. If you see an alligator in distress, it’s best just to turn a blind eye, the same as most people do when they see another human in distress.

Before leaving, as if to rub a little more salt on his emotional (and physical) wounds, the FWC also warned Alexander that his pet raccoon needed a permit. Fucking bastards.

Sources: 1

PENNSYLVANIA — Dozens of people were at Billy Bell Park on Saturday evening when 19-year-old Joshua Orndoff took his clothes off and took a stroll through the playground.

Disturbed witnesses called the police, who found Orndoff hiding in an orange enclosed slide. He was completely naked and holding a large bag of marijuana.

Orndoff shouted obscenities as officers carried him away. When they placed him in a squad car, he beat the windows with his hands and feet. He was taken to the hospital for an evaluation, and then charged with drug possession with intent to sell, indecent exposure, public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, and open lewdness.

Orndoff’s motive for getting nude remains a mystery, but I have a feeling it was more than “public drunkenness” that caused his strange behavior. Most cops don’t know anything about psychedelic drugs, so they often mistake people on hallucinogens for being drunk.

While drunk people continuously surprise me with their FAILchievements, nothing can match the insanity caused by hallucinogens. If Orndoff drank 6 beers, he would probably just pass out and get a penis drawn on his face. It would take decades of alcohol abuse to build up the kind of tolerance to walk to a park, get naked, and fight the cops.

It’s much more likely that Orndoff was having a bad trip. I’m guessing that tiny green men were after him, and he had to disrobe and crawl inside the giant sandworm (with all his weed) to survive. It probably seemed perfectly rational to him at the time.

I’d be very surprised if it turns out alcohol was the only thing in Orndoff’s system. In that case, he’s a disgrace and should stick to pussy drinks like Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Sources: 1

COLORADO — 44-year-old Tracy Beardsley made a poor decision during the early hours of this morning. After a long night of drinking, he hopped in his pickup truck and hit the road, also towing an open trailer full of computer printers behind him.

After entering a construction zone on the road, Beardsley struck a large directional sign along with several traffic control signs. His trailer also tipped over, scattering computer printers all over the road, which was later shut down for several hours.

When the police arrived, Beardsley was standing in the road, pooping and vomiting. He was arrested and charged with a DUI, and received several traffic violations.

The report didn’t mention anything about Beardsley being charged with pooping in public, which is good because I think we should be able to poop wherever we want. Privacy and indoor plumbing have stigmatized pooping as being “dirty” and “wrong.”

What the fuck is so wrong about purging your bowels of digestive remains? Yeah, it smells, but your breath doesn’t smell any better most of the time.

In many countries, people still just shit right on the ground. Some of these people have Blackberry phones and LCD TVs in their homes, but no toilets. Why? Because they aren’t bothered by the sight of someone else pooping. Everyone poops in harmony.

I just realized that this story turned into a defense article for public defecation. All joking aside, I’m very thankful for the wonders of indoor plumbing. Without it, “upper-deckers” would have never been invented, and dead goldfish would be everywhere.

As for Mr. Beardsley, I don’t care anymore. All this talk about poop has made me hungry.

Sources: 1