GEORGIA — When a park ranger noticed a haggard old woman sitting on a bench, disoriented and wearing only a garbage bag, his first thought was what’s Ke$ha doin’ out here? But then he remembered hearing about a local senior that went missing last week.

66-year-old Ann Marie Barker had been missing for 6 days when she was discovered at a park yesterday afternoon — 12 miles from her apartment. The explanation for her disappearance: She was reading the Bible, and it told her to go for a walk.

She was found unharmed in good condition, and police suspect she was in the park since last week — everyone that saw her probably just thought she was a homeless person.

For reasons unknown, Barker also emptied her bank accounts right before she disappeared, but left all of her belongings at home when God told her to leave.

After her discovery, she was taken to a nearby hospital, and then reunited with her family.

There has yet to be an explanation for why she was only wearing a garbage bag.

It’s been happening for thousands of years; Mentally ill people mistaking their loony thoughts for divine instructions, and hurting themselves or others.

If I’m wrong, then God is even more fucked up than I am, and we should hang out.

In 2008, God contacted Vince Li while he was riding a Greyhound bus across the Trans-Canada Highway in the middle of Buttfucksville, Nowhere. He said, “Vince, I want you to stab Tim McLean — a total stranger on this bus — in the neck. He’s a demon though, so sever his head, cut out his tongue, and eat his eyeball in front of all the passengers.”

So Vince Li decapitated Tim McLean and ate parts of his body on the bus. Everyone fled and called 911, but probably wouldn’t have if they only knew he was doing God’s work.

God works in mysterious ways, and preachers are the first to admit that. They believe that God speaks to people every day, but he doesn’t tell them to do bad things. God wouldn’t make an old woman empty her bank accounts, put on a garbage bag, and walk 12 miles to live in a park — that’s totally a Satanic thing to do.

To prove Satan’s involvement, check this out: Ann Marie Barker is 66-years-old and was missing for 6 days. That’s 66 and 6. Put those together and you’ve got 666 — OMFG!

Go forth my elderly disciple, and create many negative stereotypes for your age demographic!

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