ARIZONA — Police arrested Robert Gray, a convicted sex offender and vampire, this weekend for violating probation. Gray isn’t just some obsessed Twilight fan though — his fangs are dental implants, he drives a hearse, and sleeps in a coffin.

It’s not a rule that vampires have to drive hearses, but it totally adds to the overall gothness of Gray’s persona. Plus, he can stuff a lot of children into that hearse.

Robert Gray never breaks character. He scowls from the burning camera flash in this photo.

Convicted sex offenders living in society must check-in with their local police station every 3 months and get their subscription to the National Sex Offender Registry renewed. Failing to register is a crime that the police take seriously, so don’t forget to mark your calendar.

Dozens of other perverts were arrested this weekend after cops carried out Operation Safe Treat, which targeted sex offenders that had failed to register in Arizona.

The idea of Operation Safe Treat was to clean the streets of noncompliant sex offenders just in time for Halloween. “We just wanted to make sure as few children got molested as possible,” one sheriff said. “Kids are still gonna get molested — just not as many.”

On Halloween night, U.S. Marshals spent the night visiting the homes of registered sex offenders to make sure they weren’t giving out candy, or doing anything to attract children.

When I was in elementary school, I did a Halloween survey and found that 4% of the houses I visited for candy had homeowners that answered the door with full erections visible. Statistics like this make Operation Safe Treat vital to public safety.

If Robert Gray hadn’t been arrested, his hearse could be crammed with lifeless trick-or-treaters right now — that is, if he’s even a pedophile. I often forget that only a small portion of perverts go after children. Most of them are just your run-of-the-mill rapists.

Ladies, you shouldn’t feel any safer about that, but your children can relax.

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