FLORIDA — A lovers’ quarrel has ended with a man in jail and his girlfriend covered in mustard. Police said 48-year-old Tommie Lee McKeliver threw a delicious corn dog at his girlfriend, striking her in the chest with it, and then locked her out of their hotel room.

When police responded to the domestic violence call, McKeliver denied the allegations against him, but the mustard stains on his girlfriend provided reasonable doubt of an assault — the beer and dirt stains on her were unrelated though.

After refusing to provide his name, McKeliver was arrested and charged with domestic battery and resisting without violence. The cops would have also been faced with the task of identifying him, but an intake deputy at the jail recognized him almost immediately.

“Welcome back, Tommie! I thought you said LAST TIME was the last time.”

At first, I thought McKeliver’s charges were too extreme, but then I started thinking about all the ways you could kill a person with a corn dog. Believe me, there are many ways.

The center sausage of a corn dog is a formidable weapon if it’s frozen. A rock-solid frozen wiener is capable of bludgeoning and impaling an adult human to death. Furthermore, the wooden stick becomes extremely dangerous if whittled into a sharp point.

If you want to be totally insane, you could freeze the entire corn dog and whittle it into a deadly lance of bread, meat, and wood. Then stab a pregnant lady in the gut with it.

Sources: 1