It’s no coincidence that the state of Oklahoma is shaped like a hatchet with a jagged blade. Oklahoma is full of ruthless psychos that love to torture and dismember people.

Statistically speaking, driving is one of the most dangerous common activities a person can do, mainly because there are so many women drivers these days. But in Oklahoma, it’s not the women drivers that you need to keep your eye on — it’s the overpasses.

Remember that scene in The Good Son when Macaulay Culkin threw a life-size dummy off a highway overpass and created a massive pile-up? That happens everyday in Oklahoma.

Last week, 4-year-old Clyde Odom avoided serious injury when a bowling ball tossed from an overpass landed on the windshield of his dad’s truck. The ball struck the passenger-side of the windshield and rained broken glass all over the child, but he wasn’t hurt.

Little Clyde described the sound the bowling ball made as a big boom. “And when it made that sound, it just made my ears fall off,” he said. Note: His ears didn’t actually fall off.

The impact was so great that it shattered the bowling ball and launched pieces of it back up onto the overpass. Unfortunately, the coolness of that is ruined by the fact that a kickass little kid named Clyde was almost killed in the process.

Authorities have no suspects or leads in the case, but Clyde’s father plans to offer a reward for information leading to the capture of the person responsible.

Every autumn, pumpkins are dropped from highway overpasses and apartment balconies with no regard for the safety of others, and the suspects are rarely caught.

One week before the bowling ball incident, someone tossed a pumpkin off an overpass onto a semi truck. The pumpkin didn’t injure the truck driver, but it destroyed his windshield and damaged the truck’s dashboard — plus, he pooped his pants a little.

Driver Dennis Kalista said, “This is how I make my money, so now I’ve got a truck that the dash is all beat down and the window is broken, and it’s really going to affect my personal life.”

“C’mon guys, enough with all the Smashing Pumpkin jokes — this shit is serious.”

Another truck driver was not so lucky in 2008. Gerald Webb was in a coma for several days after a 38 pound cemetery vase crashed through his windshield. The impact broke his arm and collapsed his lung. Fortunately, his truck avoided hitting anything as it rolled to a stop.

Police arrested 20-year-old Jeremy McGirt and two juveniles for the crime. They all pleaded guilty to “throwing or dropping objects onto moving vehicles” — a felony. McGirt was sentenced to boot camp, and the juveniles served a few short months in jail.

Gerald Webb suffered permanent nerve damage in his arm. “I can’t use it or nothing like that,” he said. “I can’t turn it over or grasp nothing. I ain’t got no strength in it.”

Mr. Webb also ain’t got no interest in proper grammar, but that’s beside the point.

These stories are just a few of the many examples of recent overpass attacks in Oklahoma. The obvious solution to the problem would be to train an army of orphaned children, give them guns, and make them protect the overpasses in 24-hour shifts.

If you’re OK with child soldiers, but don’t like guns, another approach would involve building giant gerbil tubes around the overpasses, so nothing can be thrown down onto the road below. Unfortunately, this is extremely costly — unless you use child labor.

Until Oklahoma secures the safety of their overpasses, I’d recommend NOT taking the highway. Just don’t go too far out of the way because then you run the risk of getting raped by a group of inbred cannibals. I told you the hatchet shape is no coincidence.

Sources: 1, 2, 3