With the number of obese people on the rise, fatties are finding increasingly clever ways to use their bulky bodies advantageously. Hot glue rhinestones on a flap of back fat and it becomes a fashionable skin pouch capable of securing video tapes or sandwiches in place with gravity.

OKLAHOMA — Two big-boned women were arrested at a TJ Maxx store for shoplifting $2,600 in merchandise. Police say Ailene Brown, 28, and Shmeco Thomas, 37, concealed several items under their large flabby breasts and between folds of body fat.

Officer James Hamm fought the urge to vomit as he described to reporters how the women stuffed four pairs of boots, three pairs of jeans, a wallet, and some gloves into their armpits and under their FUPAs (Fat Upper-Pussy Area) — or gunts (gut-cunt), if you prefer.

Loss prevention officers witnessed the husky duo stashing items in their fat and called the police. Both women were arrested and charged with felony shoplifting.

Around the holidays, I usually side with the criminals because they are often just trying to steal and murder so their loved ones have a good Christmas. As long as they are doing it for a good cause, I don’t mind so much, but the bitches above weren’t stealing gifts.

Stealing a gift for a person is an incredibly daring and honorable thing to do. It’s like saying, “I risked jail to make you happy.” This was a case of pure greed though.

Women don’t buy gifts for other women because they are too jealous to give each other nice things. Even if I’m wrong, and they actually were gifts, who the fuck would want a wallet or pair of gloves that smells like a fat chick’s armpit anyway?

Sources: 1, 2