I’ve been snowed in for nearly a week. Shut off from the real world, I’m forced to endure more celebrity gossip than usual. One particular story that is getting far more attention than it deserves is Miley Cyrus and her video-recorded experimentation with salvia.

For those of you button-down conservatives, salvia is a flowering plant that causes hallucinations and uncontrollable laughter when smoked. It’s like being extremely high on marijuana for the first time and then taking LSD — but the effects only last a few minutes.

Salvia is legal, non-toxic, and no deaths or overdoses have ever directly occurred from it.

While hanging out with some friends recently, Cyrus decided to try salvia for the first time. A friend recorded her hitting the bong, and then she laughed and spoke gibberish for a few minutes. Afterwards, she said she enjoyed the experience and would do it again.

I wish I would say “The End,” but people are still talking about it. Opinions are running wild as naive adults accuse Miley of being a mislead teenager with problems.

Famed addiction counselor Dr. Drew, who I thought about renaming Dr. Douche for this article, is concerned for Miley. “Adolescents don’t get depressed the way adults do. They become irritable and act out with drugs,” he said. “She seems to be suffering.“

First of all, I’m pretty sure that becoming irritable and abusing drugs is EXACTLY what adults do when they’re depressed. Secondly, how is experimenting with a legal hallucinogen ONE TIME for fun considered suffering? That’s pretty fucking presumptuous.

Dr. Drew is one of those people who thinks everything we do is the result of being depressed about our childhoods or families. In his mind, generations of normal teenage behavior (pre-marital sex, drinking, drug use) is actually one big charade of depression.

“The first time you smoked pot wasn’t because you just felt like it. You were actually traumatized by an uncle molesting you, and you were acting out. You just don’t remember.”

According to Dr. Drew, suffering eventually leads to easy blowjobs. Is that a problem?

The truth is, many people aren’t aware of how potent salvia is, so they were disturbed by Miley’s giggly, incoherent rant after smoking it. The idea was for Miley to hallucinate and everyone else to enjoy the show, not create Freudian explanations for everything.

Now if it’s alright with you, I’m going to smoke a joint because I’m suffering.

Bonus: Watch the uncut footage of Miley suffering, I mean smoking Salvia:

Sources: 1