MARYLAND — Alcohol and swordplay resulted in the fatal shooting of 25-year-old Jason Honaker.

It all started after Honaker finished a pint of vodka on Friday night and started blasting music at full volume. Moments later, his neighbor showed up and asked him to turn it down.

Honaker grew increasingly agitated over the next few minutes. So drunk that he could barely stand, he staggered to his neighbor’s apartment and warned him that it would “take seven officers to take him down” if the police were called. Honaker then returned home… and called the police on himself.

Police dispatcher: “State Police — What is your emergency?”
Honaker: “Send some officers to my apartment RIGHT NOW, or I’m gonna kill my neighbor!”

Two troopers arrived at Honaker’s apartment where they found his 8-month-pregnant girlfriend. She was uninjured, but told them that Honaker was drunk and armed with swords and other weapons.

And then he appeared — Honaklander. Brandishing a two-foot sword in one hand and a rifle in the other. Strapped to his waist was another sword and a handgun. “I AM THE HONAKLANDER!”

The police shouted for the Honaklander to drop his weapons, but he refused. A true warrior never surrenders. He threw one of the swords and the rifle at the troopers and pulled the second sword from his waist. One trooper fired a fatal shot into the Honaklander, returning him to his mortal form.

The battle may have only lasted a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity to Jason Honaker. He was taken to the hospital and died that night, leaving behind his girlfriend and half-blood warrior child.

The two state troopers were placed on administrative leave until further investigation of the incident is complete. The only person who benefited from any of this was the neighbor because he no longer has to listen to Honaker blasting his goddamn Highlander DVDs all the time.

Editor’s note: The Honaklander’s face in the photo above was taken from Jason Honaker’s Twitter profile. Is this the same Jason Honaker from this story? I don’t know, but he looks like the kind of dude who’s into swords and LARPing, so I used his picture anyway. If it IS him, he definitely won’t mind.

Sources: 1