The Chinese New Year began today and will be heavily celebrated in China for the next two weeks — perhaps a little too heavily celebrated. In the city of Shenyang, fireworks were blamed for destroying a 5-star hotel last night. The blaze ripped through the giant skyscraper, completely gutting it.

Fortunately, there were NO fatalities because fires are ridiculously common in China, and the people there are pretty good at escaping from burning buildings. Well, except in November when 79 people were killed in Shanghai after a tower block caught fire. But this totally makes up for that mishap.

The fiery hotel was the tallest building in the city, and firefighters couldn’t even spray water halfway up, so the blaze burned out of control. You’d think that China would have invented some kind of jet-propelled water cannon by now to deal with skyscraper fires, but — wait a minute… what about this thing?

This monster can move 4 TONS of water per minute, and spray it nearly 400 feet — I call it “God’s dick.”

Unfortunately, there is only a single God’s dick in China, and they don’t cum cheaply at $456,000.

Since nobody got injured, I think it’s safe to say that I laugh every time I imagine a bunch of little Asians running from a burning building — shouting all their funny little words at each other. Ha ha.

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