MASSACHUSETTS — Police in Danvers said a 22-year-old man accidentally drove his car off a bridge and into a river on Monday night because he was distracted by a text message.

Gerald Maher clipped a snowbank with his 1999 Nissan Altima first, and then crashed through the guardrail on the opposite side of the road. His car landed in the river, but he was able to climb out and swim to shore. He was transported to the hospital for an evaluation and then released.

Maher wasn’t arrested, but he was charged with negligent operation of a vehicle and texting while driving. It’s also possible that he will have to pay to repair the guardrail, which was torn completely off.

A police dive team searched for Maher’s vehicle, but didn’t find it. It was either washed out to sea by the current, or driven away underwater by an extremely clever fish — or possibly a mermaid.

I have been texting and driving for 10 years now, and I have never been in an accident. The only text that could ever distract me enough to drive off a bridge would be something like “U HAVE AIDS!”

Gerald Maher should feel ashamed for giving lawmakers one more reason to make stricter driving laws and punishments. After a few more incidents like this, texting while driving will be as illegal as drinking while driving. Pretty soon, officers will pull you over and scan your fingers for recent texts.

It won’t end there. The judge will force you to attend Texting Anonymous meetings, even if you don’t have a legitimate texting problem. Then your car will have to be fitted with a cell phone signal-blocking device that prevents any texts from being sent or received from any phone inside the car.

All of that stuff is seriously going to happen if people don’t start texting responsibly.

Related fact: Drivers in Massachusetts are typically referred to as “Massholes.”

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