NEW JERSEY — Usually, when two old people get into a fight, the first person to poop themselves is the loser, but not at the Newport Nursing Home and Rehabilitation Center in Jersey City.

81-year-old Andy Berthelot died of a brain hemorrhage in the hospital after being struck on the head with a trash can. His death was ruled a homicide, but police haven’t charged the 72-year-old man who killed him because it was self-defense. Berthelot allegedly instigated the fateful fight.

The brawl started, seemingly for no reason, when Berthelot picked up a television and tried to hit the other man with it. Both men were patients at the nursing home, and both of them suffered from dementia, so we can only speculate what was going on in Berthelot’s head that night.

He was probably mad at the other man for forgetting to shave the refrigerator.

The first rule of the Newport Fight Club is you do NOT talk about the Newport Fight Club.

Both men were taken to the hospital after the fight. Berthelot had initially only suffered a cut on his head from the plastic trash can, but died several days later from a hemorrhage. An autopsy determined that the hemorrhage was caused from being struck in the head. The other guy was fine.

Personally, I think lifting a heavy ass television is what caused Bethelot’s brain hemorrhage.

It is unlikely that the unnamed 72-year-old will be charged for homicide though because this was a case of self-defense, and mental illness was also a major factor. The nicest part is that he’s probably already forgotten what happened by now. In his mind, he’s Thomas Jefferson — the great dinosaur wizard.

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