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IOWA — Last Friday, Amanda Stockstell returned home to find her live-in boyfriend having sex with another man. Instead of letting the two bears finish butt wrestling, she screamed at them to leave.

When her boyfriend wouldn’t leave, Stockstell grabbed a baseball bat and attacked him. Police said she struck him with the bat three times, causing him to complain about pain in his back and legs, but that pain could have also been caused by the extreme anal penetration that was occurring moments before.

After battering her soon-to-be ex, Stockstell called the police and told them he had a gun. When the cops arrived, they didn’t find a gun, but they did find the baseball bat that she used in the assault.

Her plan backfired, and she was arrested instead for assault with a dangerous weapon. Although this was clearly a crime of passion, one could argue that it was also a hate crime.

I’m a completely straight male, but if I was forced to choose between having sex with Amanda Stockstell or a gay male with feminine features, it would be an extremely difficult decision.

Edit: I did not mean to speculate that the two men in this story were bears. It could have been a bear and a twink, or two twinks, or maybe even a pre-op tranny and a priest — nobody knows!

LADIES, HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

First thing’s first: Stay calm! If you catch your boyfriend exploring another man’s turd tunnel, the first thing you need to worry about is yourself because you could have AIDS. Oh wait, nevermind — you guys haven’t had sex in months. In fact, he’s always been more of a best friend than a boyfriend.

Everything should be making sense to you now, like his obsession with weight lifting magazines even though he doesn’t work out. And don’t forget the noticeable lisp when he thpeaks.

Put the bat down. Don’t punish him for being himself. At least it wasn’t another woman, right?

GUYS, HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

Have you ever walked in on your girlfriend messing around with another woman? If so, what the hell are you complaining about? Get back in there right now and join them, dumbass.

Did they kick you out? Damn, that’s a bummer and your girlfriend is a bitch. Go get the bat.

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