NEW YORK — If you’re visiting the Bronx Zoo this week, carry a sharp stick and wear some knee-high rubber boots because there’s an Egyptian cobra missing from the World of Reptiles exhibition.

Adult cobras can reach 8 feet in length and have venom toxic enough to kill an adult in 15 minutes, or a baby in 90 seconds. Luckily, the missing cobra is not full grown — it’s 20 inches long, which is only twice the length of the average African-American male’s penis, and not even as thick or veiny.

Zookeepers at the Bronx Zoo told reporters that the cobra was probably “just hiding,” and would come out when it gets hungry or thirsty. When that happens, the pygmy marmosets better watch out because the first thing a hungry escaped cobra is going to eat is a tiny ass monkey.

Zoo officials have closed the World of Reptiles exhibition until the snake is found — an unnecessary safety measure in my opinion. I guess they’re just avoiding those pesky cobra bite lawsuits, although I think a missing cobra adds some much-needed excitement and danger the typical zoo experience.

I think the zoo should release more snakes and then use them to track down the missing one.

All joking aside, you should really be careful if you visit the Bronx Zoo before the cobra is found. For extra protection, bring a small child with you to distract the snake and give it an easier target.

Contrary to popular belief, do NOT suck the poison out of a snake bite because it doesn’t work. The best thing to do is stay calm, call 911, elevate the bitten area above your heart, and then remain still. If you were bitten on the heart, then you’re screwed and shouldn’t have been bumping chests with a cobra.

Sources: 1, 2, 3

Fact: A cobra bit Chuck Norris’s leg once. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.