OHIO — On Monday morning, security cameras in a Super K-Mart captured a man walking around the men’s department, exposing himself and masturbating in plain view.

When a loss prevention officer witnessed the behavior on a surveillance monitor, he called the police. The cops were on their way into the store when 28-year-old Richard Hennessey, the masturbationist, was on his way out. He was quickly arrested and charged with public indecency, a misdemeanor.

It is unknown whether or not Hennessey was able to finish, but at least William Black was able to when he did the same thing at Wal-Mart last year. Black later received two years of severe probation.

Listen, if you’re going to masturbate in public, do it quickly, and get the fuck out of there. Don’t stand in the middle of an aisle flopping your limp meat around nervously, trying to get an erection. Stroke it lightly inside your pocket first, and keep your back to the security cameras whenever it’s possible.

Don’t pull out your boner out until it’s fully rigid, and ALWAYS keep your balls tucked away in case you get busted and have to zip n’ run. Make it Fast and Furious, like you’re Herbie: Fully Loaded. Turn up the Torque if you have to, but no matter what, squirt your Seabiscuits and be Gone in 60 Seconds.

If you can’t make your Cocktail The Firm in a minute, then it’s a Mission Impossible, and you’re not the Top Gun. Your Days of Thunder will come if you practice more with your Eyes Wide Shut, Jerry Maguire.

I know it’s Risky Business, but if you have All The Right Moves, you could become a Legend.

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