Masturbation is the universal language. If you masturbated in front of a thousand strangers, they’d all know exactly what you were doing. Some people would enjoy watching you do it, while others would be offended by the sight of your genitals — but even those people enjoy masturbating themselves.

I’ve got good news for people that enjoy masturbating everyone — now you can masturbate even more!

According to a recent NewScientist article, masturbation can help alleviate the symptoms of restless leg syndrome (RLS). Only 7 to 10 percent of Americans suffer from RLS, and I was one of them. It kept me awake at night with the feeling of tiny lightning bolts shooting through my legs.

I’m cured now though because I just play with my winky before bed until the white stuff comes out. Why does this work? Because orgasms increase the amount of dopamine in the brain, and dopamine helps decrease RLS symptoms. Drugs like weed can also help, especially when combined with masturbation.

Decades ago, religious people hated masturbation, so they spread a myth that it caused blindness. Despite the complete scientific inaccuracy of that claim, many people are still afraid to masturbate today, but they do it anyway and face the imaginary risks. This fear this creates unnecessary internal strife.

All this anti-masturbation propaganda reminds me of another amazing thing that people love to hate on — marijuana. Masturbation is also similar to marijuana for a couple of other reasons: 1) They can both make you feel good 2) They can both make you paranoid if you do either of them in a public place.

I look forward to the future when scientists discover more hidden benefits of masturbation. Until then, let it be known that masturbation is a healthy activity and should not be frowned upon**.

** Unless you do it more than 12 times per day. In that case, you have a problem.