CHICAGO — A homeless criminal is back behind bars after he was arrested for nearly beating a 65-year-old man to death in a public park, and then sodomizing him with a tree branch.

The attacker, 45-year-old Cortez Foster, was only paroled from prison last year after serving hard time for an armed robbery that he committed in 2000. He was convicted of robbery twice before that, and once for aggravated criminal sexual assault. It was only a matter of time before he offended again.

Foster did not know his most recent victim, but they were interacting with each other before the attack. My guess is that they were both homeless and arguing over a bottle of mouthwash.

For reasons unknown, Foster became furious and started punching the man in the face. The man fell to the ground and Foster proceeded to kick him in the head and body repeatedly.

Feeling unsatisfied by the level of brutality, Foster stripped all the clothes off his victim’s body, grabbed a thin tree branch, and then jammed it into his anus. Witnesses later found the victim in the park wearing only a shirt and one sock, supporting himself on a railing, bloody and unable to speak.

At the hospital, doctors removed a 7-inch stick from the victim’s rectum. The beating rendered his face so unrecognizable that police had to use his fingerprints to identify him. Aside from a stick in the ass, he suffered severe head trauma, as well as fractures to his eye sockets and nose.

Police were able to track down Foster, by locating the victim’s cell phone that he stole after the beating.

He told the cops that the blood on his clothes was from the victim, and that he had indeed “used” a tree branch inappropriately. They arrested him, and he’s currently being held without bail.

How angry must a person be to beat a person senseless and then shove something up their ass?

I felt my own virgin anus pucker several times while writing this story. The thought of getting mugged by a hobo at the park is scary enough, but now I have to worry about the trees too? There’s only one offense I can think of that would warrant such brutality, and that would be someone touching my Eggo waffles.

Leggo my Eggo before something fucked up happens to you.

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