MONTANA — The oldest man in the world died peacefully of natural causes yesterday. He was 114-years-old, or 798 in dog years. Rest in peace, Walter Breuning — wrinkled prince.

Bruening wasn’t the oldest living person, just the oldest living man; a woman from Georgia was born 26 days before him, and she’s still alive. Too bad they never got to have sex with each other.

I don’t mean to downplay Bruening’s achievement of living so long, but how do we know for sure that he was the world’s oldest man? Couldn’t some 180-year-old aboriginal guy be living in an undiscovered area of the rain forest, surviving on magical exotic herbs and rare tree bark? It’s possible.

Before he died, Bruening lived at the Rainbow Retirement Community, which sounds like a nursing home for gay people. Bruening was married before, but his wife died in the 1950s and he remained single ever since. Maybe he turned gay later in life, but nobody thought to ask him because he was old.

You’re thinking he was some regular old man, meanwhile, he could have invented the rim job, or even better… the rusty trombone. I’m not saying this actually happened, but it’d be great if it did.

Bruening’s recipe for long life was simple: eat two meals per day because that’s all you need, embrace change, work hard and save money, help others, and embrace the fact that you’re going to die.

Excellent advice. If he added “smoke weed everyday” to that list, it would’ve been even better.

If you want, you can read all about Bruening’s long and marginally-interesting life here.