MASSACHUSETTS — The Burlington Mall was shut down and completely surrounded by police today after someone called 911 and reported a man walking around with a backpack and a short rifle.

The “short rifle” ended up being a “fucking umbrella,” and the whole debacle was a waste of time.

Mall security called 911 only minutes before the mall was supposed to open because two other mall employees said they saw a man walking into the bathroom with a rifle. Dozens of police cruisers, a SWAT team, and four helicopters arrived at the scene and quickly set up a perimeter.

Meanwhile, umbrella guy heard that someone who looked exactly like him was carrying a gun that looked exactly like his umbrella. “Uh oh… That sounds like me and my umbrella,” he thought.

He called the police immediately and explained the truth. It was probably like a scene from a hostage movie where the bad guy demands to speak to the police chief, and then he asks for a bus full of gold or something ridiculous — but in this case, umbrella guy was just pleading for his life.

After speaking with umbrella guy and reviewing security footage, the police cautiously moved in.

A SWAT team was sent in to assess the situation and interview umbrella guy. Not many details are known about what happened during this “interview,” but I imagine there was a tense standoff when the SWAT team was screaming “GIVE US THE UMBRELLA,” as the umbrella guy shat himself.

The actual umbrella looks more like a samurai sword than a rifle, but — to the untrained (read: woman’s) eye — it vaguely resembles the body of a military rifle when in its strapped pouch.

Despite the massive amount of police resources and fossil fuels that were wasted today, calories were burned and the Burlington cops got some practice. Consider it a REALLY expensive training exercise.

Fact: The movie “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” was filmed at The Burlington Mall. That was also a huge mistake.

Next week, a school will get closed because a tampon in the hallway will be mistaken for a bazooka.

Sources: 1