IOWA — Police arrested 32-year-old Lucina V. Kinder last month and charged her with domestic assault after she attacked her boyfriend and bit his penis during an argument, causing it to bleed.

Kinder is accused of punching her boyfriend in the face, scratching his shoulder, and then biting his penis — in that exact order. It seems odd that the penis biting occurred last though, doesn’t it?

How did the boyfriend’s penis end up near Kinder’s mouth after the attack began? One expert’s (me) theory is that she punched and scratched him, then apologized and offered a make-up blowjob. When he pulled his penis out, she was like “SIKE!” and chomped down on it.

Another theory is that the boyfriend was incredibly weak and just let the whole thing happen.

Despite the viciousness of her crimes, Kinder was charged with domestic assault WITHOUT intent to cause injury. Apparently, she did not intend to cause injury when she bit her boyfriend’s penis and made it bleed. Who in their right mind would think that would actually injure a person?

One thing is for sure: It is 98% WRONG to bite a man’s penis. Ladies, pay attention. I know you think it’s funny, but it’s not. Imagine if your boyfriend bit one of your vagina lips clean off — or worse — your clit.

There are only two scenarios in which it’s totally OK to bite a penis: 1) If the man is already dead — I don’t know why you’d want to do this, but go for it — he won’t mind. And 2) Obviously, if a rapist attacks you, you have a civil responsibility to bite his dick off if you can so he doesn’t do it to someone else.

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